Dealing with critical parents is akin to falling face first into a prickly blackberry bush.
If one or both of your parents has a knack for finding every flaw in your life, if they communicate through a tone of judgment and interrogation, and believe it’s their duty to expose your weaknesses and suggest course corrections; criticism is their main mode of operation.
If a friend treated you this way, you would most likely end the friendship. Since it’s your parents who are critical, you most likely want to hang in there and find a better way of relating. It’s not easy to deal with critical parents. A part of you loves them dearly. Yet another part of you cringes in their presence each time they take out their big red marker to correct your life.
Here are some suggestions for easing the pain when spending time with your critical parents.
Have compassion for your parents. Imagine what it must be like for critical people to live with themselves. Those outward bursts of sarcasm, judgment and critiquing are often going on non-stop within the critical person’s mind. Every fault they find with your life is multiplied with their own. Most likely they had parents who were critical and they are repeating what they were taught. Instead of going into resistance, defensiveness or attack, shield yourself with compassion. Know that what they are doing is not personal, but a reflection of what they are trapped in.
Be bigger than the criticism. Don’t allow the criticism to deflate you. Instead, connect with your inner truth and spiritual bigness. Know that you are living your life the way you are meant to, mistakes and all. Don’t take their opinions seriously; remember that know one knows what is best for you except your higher self.
Find your amusement. Dealing with critical parents requires huge doses of amusement. If you can stay light and amused when in their presence, the criticism will tickle instead of sting. View your parents as funny characters in a sitcom, exaggerate their comments until they become ridiculous, or interject with a joke. Do whatever you can to find the humorous side of the situation.
Use it for personal growth. Whatever triggers us is an opportunity for healing and growth. Notice how you feel and what lights up when your parents criticize you. Process painful emotions and then look for the lesson and gift. Would increasing self-esteem make you bullet proof? Do you need to own your power instead of giving it away? Is this an opportunity to set healthy boundaries? Give yourself the gift of personal growth.
Express your feelings. When parents criticize it stings, and most people react by shutting down or attacking back. When you are feeling balanced, initiate a conversation with your parents expressing how it feels to be criticized. Keep the focus on how you are affected rather than on blaming them (as this will most likely lead to further criticism). Communicate from the heart and soul as a way to get through to them.
Love them anyway. One way of dealing with critical parents is to send them unconditional love. Accept them as they are and love them anyway. This gift of love may soften them and support them to be less critical over time.
May these suggestions above help you to untangle yourself from the prickly bushes of criticism in order to enjoy the berries.
Do you have any questions, comments or insights on dealing with critical parents? Please share below.
Dear Friend,
I shall highly appreciate your response to my question :
How to handle tantrums of 6 years old child, given one spouse is critical and other nurturing ?
Hello Krishin,
While I’m not an expert on parenting, I do have a few suggestions. One is to recognize what the temper tantrum is about. Some parents might assume that the child is spoiled and acting out, but perhaps the child is hurt emotionally from the critism or is tired, angry and confused and needs a hug, etc. My thought is to allow the venting of emotions to occur while staying centered and neutral yourself. Sending loving thoughts and energy to the child during this time will help calm them down.
Each of us is a spiritual being and when we receive a spiritual hello (beyond our appearance, personality, quirks etc to who we are on a soul level) this instantly soothes us. If you can do this for the child, it will help.
Teaching children how to communicate feelings without throwing them at others is also helpful. There are children’s books and parenting books on this topic.
I think a dynamic to be careful of is overcompensating for the critical parent by being extra indulgent. This can create boundary confusion. Clear, honest communication (which includes listening to the child’s thoughts and needs) along with healthy consistent boundaries can go a long way to balance the critical/nurturing parent dynamic. Children need guidance and direction (which includes rules of the house) along with the freedom of expression and the freedom to be themselves without too many rules and structures. It’s a tricky balancing act that is influenced by each child’s individual temperment.
I hope this helps. If any other readers have suggestions, please comment below.
Take care,
Gini
At first I was reading your article and it sounded bang on but your advice leaves something to be desired. I grew up with a father who is all the things you mentioned and MORE. In addition to what you mentioned; my father is a weekend binger (alcoholic), a successful Entrepreneur who’s constantly comparing us to his own success, a control and power hungry know-it-all who couldn’t give constructive criticism or a compliment if his life depended on it and he’s one of the MOST INCEDIBLE SELFISH people I have come across. I have no desire to keep this man in my life, he’s a negative that sucks the life force out of you just by being in his presence. The only reason I haven’t written him off is becasue of my mother who should get a friggin award for putting up with him and doing such a great job being a great mom. SO lets look at your list:
1. Have compassion for your parents: How can I have compassion for someone who’s without empathy, constantly on the war path, critical, hypocritical, self indulgent and just plain NEGATIVE? It’s impossible to have compassion for him when he’s never showed to me.
2. Be bigger than the criticism: That’s hard to do when the attacks are so personal. I was once told by my father that if he and my mother divorced it would be my fault becasue she defended me and the others so much. In addition, the criticism is relentless and unending. He never opens his mouth to talk with us, it’s always to create an issue.
3. Find your amusement: This notion of finding amusement has come and gone … for a long time now. It works in the short-term, but eventually you can only hear something for so long before it hurts you, affects you and has you believing in it.
4. Use it for personal growth: The only thing I’ve come out of my parents house with is a feeling of wanting a vasectomy. God help me and my soul if I ever had kids that I treated as bad as he has treated us. He makes me not want kids, I couldn’t stand it if they hated me like I hate him. Better off just not having any.
5. Express your feelings: Now there’s a novel idea!!! lol Like I haven’t doe this a million times?!?!?! I’ve expressed my feelings so much that he thinks I’m a neurotic mess that needs to be hospitalized or sent to some kind of rehab. Apparently I’m a nut case who’s attacking him “for no reason”. LMAO!!! He is oblivious to feelings other than his own, that is if he has any at all! The only thing expressing myself has done is to make him believe that I’ve gone off the deep end. After all, as per his motto …. showing of feelings is a sign of weakness that only woman indulge in.
6. Love them anyway: At such a late point in my life … that’s asking Waaaaaaaaay to much. Loving that man is akin to self mutilation and masochism. I have to much self respect to allow him any kind of opportunity to beat me into the ground.
My father is a self made man who will do anything to make himself feel good, even at the expense of his children’s dignity and self respect.
My mother had a brain aneurysm about 12 years ago, she’s not the self sufficient and outspoken woman she used to be and is totally dependent on that arsehole. If it were not for her current condition, maintain a relationship with my mother would have been easy, but its now damn near impossible becasue I always have to deal wtih him is some way shape or form. As much as it shames me for thinking this way, I just can’t wait for the day that he dies and my family can finally have peace.
Hello Andrew,
I can see how angry you are, and understandably so – your father sounds very miserable and passes that on to others around him.
I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and feelings about each of the suggestions on dealing with dysfunctional family, and I’d like to support you in taking another look.
The reason compassion is helpful is because it takes you to a higher place than the pain, hurt, anger as well as rises you above the behavior of the other. As long as you hold anger and resentment towards your father, he has you in his grip so to speak. You are carrying the pain and wounds around with you even after he’s doled them out. But if you see how wounded he is (he must be in order to treat his child and family this way) then you can feel compassion and let him go, along with your pain. He is missing out on so much in life, including a loving, supportive relationship with his son – that is sad for both of you.
Attacks are only as personal as we make them. If you didn’t know your father, his comments and behavior would be irritating, but you’d let them go. It’s because he is who he is in your life that you make it personal. You have an expectation of how he should treat you (as we all do). It would be wonderful if he were different, but he isn’t. He is who he is and he has to live with himself 24/7 – you don’t anymore – you are a free adult now. The next time you are visting your mother, and your father is around, see yourself as so much bigger than him (and I don’t mean physically, or better-than, but bigger in your wisdom, love and truth) and see the wounded inner child within him. This will support you to not take his behavior and words so personally.
All I can say about amusement is that anything we are not amused with in a lighthearted way has become bigger than us.
I hope you do find a way to use your family experience for personal growth because that would be amazing. I didn’t have an easy childhood either, but in seeing how it helped me to learn to validate myself (no matter what someone else said to me), to love myself (no matter who else is loving me or not), and to empower myself despite not receiving support and encouragement as a child feels like a huge victory for me – I am so much healthier, happier and empowered as a result.
I agree with letting go of expressing your feelings to your father – doesn’t sound like he can comprehend. But you still sound very bitter and angry so perhaps expressing them with a counselor might help to release them.
And love – well real love is unconditional. Not something you learned at home (except maybe through your mother), but it is something you can strive for – it doesn’t mean you have to condone your fathers behavior, but you can touch into the essence of who he really is (which is not apparent, but deeper on a soul level) and love that part of him – if you choose.
Andrew, I hope you are able to find forgiveness for your father’s painful actions and behaviors – not for him, but for you so you can let it all go and feel good about yourself and your life, despite having your father in your life still.
Take care,
Gini
Is there a book I can read about this? Thanks in advance.
Hello AA,
I can’t think of one but I know there must be one out there. The good thing about looking on Amazon is you can read reviews and search inside the book to see if it’s a fit, so try there.
I think I’ll write an article on forgiving parents as that is another helpful step in dealing with their critical behavior (supports you to not take it so personally).
Good luck with it,
Gini
Andrew Dube – sounds like your dad has narcissistic personality disorder. Mine had it. I came to realise he was nuts, which was sad but freeing.