Dealing with difficult people at work requires insight, introspection and ingenuity.
It might be an over demanding boss who micro-manages everything you do, an aggressive coworker who challenges you with power struggles, a toxic colleague who spews charged emotions, or a negative employee who gossips about everyone in the office. Whatever the dynamic, working with difficult people is draining, frustrating and time consuming.
If you love your job and would fully enjoy working in your office environment if it weren’t for the difficult coworker, don’t despair, here are some suggestions.
Dealing with Difficult People at Work
This is a three step process that involves discerning what is really going on, taking responsibility for your role in it, and trying new ways of interacting with the difficult coworker.
Look past surface behavior. To see the bigger picture of what’s really going on with a difficult person at work, notice if their inappropriate behavior happens only with you or with others. Look at what is going on in their work environment. Are they stressed at work, triggered by certain people, or do they simply have unhealthy social skills or coping techniques?
Take a deeper look. What might their world view be – their beliefs and perception of self and others? Can you determine their underlying needs – to be seen, accepted, acknowledged, appreciated? What are their issues – underneath controlling actions might be an issue with trust, lurking behind gossip might be low self-esteem, and hiding within anger and aggression might be deep pain and sadness. Discerning what is going on with the difficult coworker will support you to separate yourself from their behavior so you don’t take it personally. It will also help you to have compassion for them.
Determine your role. Any relationship dynamic involves at least two people. Difficult people only become difficult when they have someone to bump up against. What role do you play in your interactions with this person? Do you engage in a power struggle? Do you shrink or hide to avoid him or her? Do you play the victim end of the bully game? Taking responsibility for any unconscious roles you play will help you to free yourself from toxic interactions.
Search for the lesson. When we are continually triggered by the same person or by a similar personality trait in others, there is often a lesson we are trying to learn. Bringing this into awareness will help you to grow and you won’t need to attract this type of person into your life again (or at least won’t be triggered by them). For some, the difficult coworker is a mirror to their own unconscious and un-owned behaviors. Is there an area in your life where you exhibit the same difficult behaviors as your coworker? Be honest. For others, the challenging coworker is showing them where they need to stand up for themselves, set healthy boundaries, or be more patient, forgiving and tolerant. What are the difficult people at work trying to teach you?
Try a different approach. With new information about what is motivating the difficult coworker’s behavior and what role you’ve been playing, you can approach this person from another angle. If you were in this person’s shoes, what would help to soften, support or create a positive interaction? Reflect on how you can meet their needs while interacting from a place of strength, certainty and openness. Would it help to have a heart to heart conversation about how their behavior affects you?
Create healthy boundaries. Sometimes the only solution is to create healthy boundaries around difficult people at work. Finding ways to limit contact with them is the most obvious way, but isn’t always possible. If you have to work closely with a difficult person, the best way to avoid being slimed by their toxicity is to create healthy energy boundaries, stay amused and non-resistant in their presence, and focus on your own positive attitude. This will help you to be bigger than your reactions and keep you from engaging in unhealthy dynamics.
Do you have any questions or additional insights in dealing with difficult people at work? Please share below.
