Developing relationships is a dance where you take turns leading.
Clear communication is an important part of any relationship, whether between friends, spouses, co-workers or neighbors. How often have you had a rift in a friendship because of a misunderstanding? Communicating effectively isn’t just about speaking clearly, honestly and respectfully; it involves good listening skills as well.
Many of us are so eager to tell our story, share our experience and give our opinion that we don’t really listen when our friend or partner is speaking. They say something that reminds us of a similar experience and our mind drifts away. Or we tap our toes waiting for the other to pause so we can jump in (or if you’re a fast thinker and speaker you don’t wait, you interrupt). How does it feel when someone does this to you? And how does it feel to be heard, seen and understood?
If you want to develop relationships where there is rapport and enjoyment on both sides, you need to practice good listening skills. Here are some tips.
How to be a Better Listener
The first step to developing good listening skills is to speak less and listen more. Consciously choose to put your thoughts and words aside while the other is speaking. Be completely present with them and try the following.
Be curious. Put aside your story for a moment and bring out your curiosity. As your friend speaks, take an interest in what they have to say, why they are sharing this, and what you can learn from it.
Ask questions. When they pause, ask curious questions. Asking from a tone of, “This is interesting, tell me more,” will go a lot further in developing a relationship than asking from an interrogative tone such as, “Are you sure, I haven’t heard that before.” Probing, analytical and critical tones tend to shut people down or trigger defensive responses. Encouraging, supportive and lighthearted tones foster trust and connection.
Maintain eye contact. Connecting through the eyes shows that you are listening. It also takes you beyond the words and into their soul if you are truly present with them.
Look past the words. To be a better listener, listen more deeply. Go beyond what is being said with words to what is being communicated through facial expressions, body language and gestures. What is the tone and emotion behind the words? What is not being said that wants to be heard?
Clarify when needed. If you are unsure about what they mean, clarify by paraphrasing what they said or by asking for more information. This will prevent misunderstandings.
Stay connected. When it is time for you to speak, deepen your connection with your friend by building on the current conversation. Add something related and then pause for a response. Let it flow back and forth until it naturally dissipates.
Trust your intuition. Rather than listening and speaking from your mind, communicate from your heart and soul. Follow your intuition about when and what to say.
Good listening becomes a habit when practiced regularly. Play with the suggestions above and enjoy the dance of friendship.
Do you have any questions on developing relationships with good listening skills? What has helped you to be a better listener? Please share below.
