Marriage is like a boat – casting blame on why it’s sinking is less important than getting it afloat.
If your marriage is in trouble and marriage counseling either isn’t an option or hasn’t worked to save your marriage, you might benefit from Mort Fertel’s 7 Secrets for Fixing Your Marriage. Mort Fertel is a world authority on the psychology of relationships. I’ve summarized his seven step process below, but for a more information read his complementary report.
How to Save Your Marriage in 7 Steps
1. Put your problems aside. Mort doesn’t believe in traditional marriage counseling strategies such as problem-solving skills, communicating techniques and knowledge of gender differences. Focusing on problems may in fact make them larger in appearance (what we focus on grows). Stepping away from problems and instead putting time and energy into relationship building activities is what Mort recommends, “The key is NOT to fix what’s wrong. The key is to make new things right.”
2. Talk to and touch each other. Actions lead to results. In the beginning of relationships, lovers spend hours talking and touching each other. Once the daily responsibilities of marriage take over, couples forget the importance of connecting through conversation and physical contact. It’s no wonder both partners end up feeling they don’t get enough attention. Initiate positive communication on fun, interesting or frivolous topics. Reach out and touch your spouse in loving ways. Tickle him, stroke her cheek, hold hands, touch her back. Spend a few moments each day to talk and touch as a way to build loving connection.
3. Give to your spouse. Instead of waiting for your spouse to make the first move, offer an act of love. Positive actions lead to positive feelings. Act loving towards your spouse by giving them a gift that tells them you’ve been paying attention and know what they need and want. As Mort says, “When you give someone a gift that says, ‘I know you, I understand you,’ you can ‘melt’ them.”
4. Get involved with each other. “How you and your spouse SPEND YOUR TIME determines the strength of your marriage,” says Mort. Sharing time together is what created the closeness in your relationship in the beginning and it’s what will help save your marriage today. This could mean doing a joint activity, planning a project together or supporting your spouse in a hobby they enjoy. Find ways to spend time together outside of family obligations.
5. Be the change you want to see. Many people with marriage problems believe that by changing their partner they can fix their marriage. Unfortunately, people tend to go into resistance when someone tries to change them. “If you tell your spouse what to do; it’s a challenge. If THEY decide to do it; it’s a great idea,” reports Mort. The best thing to do is get out of the way so your spouse can choose to change. “Let your spouse see how the choices YOU’RE making impact how YOU feel about yourself and your marriage.”
6. Love the person you married. After the romantic phase of a relationship ends, people sometimes wonder if they’ve married the right person. Leaving your spouse and starting a new relationship will feel great at first, but after a few years you may end up with the same question rolling through your mind. Once the euphoria wears off, couples need to actively love each other. “Love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’s a direct cause and effect,” says Mort.
7. Give it a year. Once you leave your marriage, things will never be the same so Mort recommends when you feel the relationship is done, give it one more year. This will provide adequate time to spend on fixing your marriage or allow for appropriate closure if it is over. In the end, the time you spend during this year will either save your marriage or at the very least, have a positive impact on your next relationship if the marriage ends.
If your marriage is in trouble, try the suggestions above as a way to improve it. And remember, it only takes one person to make a difference in a relationship.
Do you have any questions or other suggestions for how to save your marriage without marriage counseling? Please share below.
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