Why Friends Drift Apart and Friendships End

Friends drift apart when they no longer resonate together.

Friendships end for a variety of reasons. Some friends are meant to be by our side for a life time while others come in for a specific purpose and time period. Like an angel, just when we’re going through a difficult time, a new friend arrives who offers the exact support we need. Once we’re on our feet again, that friend may disappear, leaving space for another to arrive.

Remember as a child having a best friend one month only to change to another the following month? Some children change friends as fast as each week, while others remain friends through the year or the entire time at elementary, junior or high school. It’s an honor to have a friend since childhood still be in your life through the adult years.

As we change and grow and drift apart from friends it can be sad to lose touch with someone we once explored new adventures, shared our deepest secrets, and laughed ourselves silly with. Yet it’s a natural part of life. It takes time and energy to keep a friendship going. As people embark on careers, start families and take on more responsibilities, there isn’t the same amount of time to spend with friends. We become more selective about how we use our precious time.

When Friends Drift Apart Naturally

What we enjoy as children changes through adolescence and adulthood. Someone who was rebellious as a teenager might shift and become over responsible as an adult. Their friends will naturally change as they go through transformations. Unless two friends have the same interests in common or share a deep bond, their interests go elsewhere.

Two people who work together have that as their shared experience. If one or both leave for another job elsewhere, the context changes and therefore the relationship might not have enough glue to hold it together. The same happens for people in any group or organization; once the common interest changes or is lost, there may not be a shared connection.

People actively pursuing a personal or spiritual growth journey tend to let go of old ways of being quickly as they discover more of their authentic self. What once sparked enthusiasm may fizzle out. A different career path, change of home, and new friends are not surprising. There’s nothing good or bad, nor right or wrong about any of this. It’s a simple case of two things not matching or resonating together anymore. This includes friends.

When Friendships End Abruptly

If a friendship suddenly ends, it may not be a simple mismatch. There may be underlying resentment or unresolved issues at hand. One friend may be hurt by the other’s words or actions and decide to end the friendship. Unfortunately, they may be missing out on an opportunity to heal their own old wounds triggered by their friend.

When we are wounded by another, there is usually a deeper wound underneath; otherwise the current experience wouldn’t be so charged. We wouldn’t take it as personally, but would be willing to explore the dynamics that led to the experience. But if our friend’s inappropriate behavior has become a pattern, it may be time to set healthy boundaries and limit or end the friendship.

Is it Time to Let Go of the Friendship

If you’re wondering whether to end a friendship or not, explore the following questions:

  • What is healthy about the friendship and what is not healthy?
  • What do I enjoy about the friendship and what are the benefits?
  • What do I not enjoy about it and what does it cost me?
  • If it’s not healthy or functional, what keeps me in it?
  • If it’s generally healthy except for one issue, can I resolve it?
  • Is this friendship triggering an old wound that needs healing?

If you’ve recently lost a good friend and don’t know why, ask yourself the following:

  • Do we really have anything in common or have we grown apart?
  • Has either or both of us changed in different directions over time?
  • From their perspective, is there anything inappropriate I might have done?
  • Has a misunderstanding occurred that could be rectified?
  • Is there a lesson or growth opportunity available for me here?
  • Do I need closure through a letter or conversation?

Good friends are a source of comfort, support, fun and companionship. Take time to nurture the important ones, explore ways to mend broken friendships, and  move one when friends have drifted away permanently.

Do you have any questions or insights into why friends drift apart and friendships end? Please share below.

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Dear Readers,

I am not able to be on the computer much these days due to my current activities, so I won't be able to respond to comments very often.

I encourage you though, to use the comment section as a place to share your experience, read about others' and to respond to and support each other with your situations.

Take care,

Gini

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122 Responses to Why Friends Drift Apart and Friendships End

  1. Mitsy says:

    I think we’ve all had childhood wounds when it came to friendship. I had one from high school that ended once she quit college (we roomed together) but that situation was far different than the one with my current situation.

    I think I will always dread seeing this woman as long as we work together. She’s working tonight (for someone else) & she has never ever been in a good mood if she’s worked for someone on a Fri. or Sat. night (she’s not available normally on those nights). She switched with someone for some reason.

    My sympathies have kind of run out for this woman as she has been her own worst enemy but it’s more a lack of maturity when she spews out her bad moods on to other people. I feel a bit bad for her in that she’s so ensnared with a controlling man but there comes a point where only she is responsible for her actions. I made the conscience decision not to contact her outside of work & no longer call her just for the heck of it (like we used to to). We used to talk every Sun. But that has been a thing of the past for a long time now. She doesn’t make any effort & I don’t even want to call her. People come to the end of their patience w/people. I don’t have anything left to give her & sometimes don’t even pity her. Sad.

  2. Jay says:

    Hello,
    First things first, I am a 18 year old guy that has a question for you. I have this friend, his name is Michael and I have been friends with him for three years now. However, we’ve become really close. I would go as far to say that he’s my brother from another mother. lol . Anyways, today at work and on the drive home he asked me two questions. Right before he asked them he said “Now this is a weird and kind of personal question”… he asked me to be honest with him as well. The first question he asked was that if I have ever been jealous of him since girl flock easily to him or wether I was jealous of the girls getting his attention. The next one was if I was bisexual or gay. He says he knows I’m not but that he never really asked it before. So i guess what I’m trying to ask you is how should I interpret all of this? We’ve confided in each other in the past (me more so than him, he’s more on the keep it to himself type of guy) but we have never talked about these kinds of things…

  3. Gini Grey says:

    Hello Jay,

    It’s hard to know if your friend has any other meaning to his questions other than curiosity, so perhaps answering them straightforward in a yes or no kind of way, then see if he goes deeper with questions and this might reveal his intentions.

    If you’re not comfortable with what he asks you, you can always deflect with humor, or turn it around to ask him the same question, or just say you don’t want to talk about it.

    Hope this helps,

    Gini

  4. Nat says:

    Hi Gini,
    I just wanted an outside opinion on this, but i am very confused about what is going on with a group of friends of mine. There are 6 of us and i used to feel close with all of them. However now i have noticed 3 of them have broken up into their own little group.

    A first i thought i was being paraniod but then i started to notice they would make plans in secret, have little jokes where they didnt include anyone else or i’d find out through fb that they were hanging out.

    Its hard for me when we do all hang out to act normal as i feel as though something is not quite right, they are keeping something hidden and i seems as thought they want to exclude others including me from their plans.

    I somewhat feel betrayed by them for acting this way and it has only created more of wedge between me and them becuase I just dont trust them anymore.

    Do you think I am over reacting? Its just they have gone from being my closest friends ever to distant friends. Ive always been one to hate secrets, and so Im finding this all difficult as i dont feel they are being honest and truthful about their feelings

  5. Gini Grey says:

    Hello Nat,

    That’s a tricky one, because on the one hand, people do have the right to spend time with who they want, and perhaps these 3 enjoy their company in a smaller group at this point in time. But on the other hand, if they are doing it secretly, I can understand how you would feel left out and a bit betrayed.

    They may not be sharing it because they don’t want to hurt others’ feelings, or because they feel pressured to invite others out with they just want the three of them. It may be nothing personal, just how people click. Friendships evolve and change over time as we each change as individuals. I know I have friends that I used to enjoy in groups but now prefer one on one, and others I prefer in a group. It changes over time and I’m okay with it and hope others are too (no one has ever brought it up to me so I wouldn’t know if they are not okay with it).

    Have you thought about bringing it up with one of them, or when the whole group is together to bring it up lightly or jokingly? Perhaps someone will share what is really going on.

    In the meantime though, if you can accept it as it is, and not take it personally, it may not bother you as much.

    Take care,

    Gini

  6. John says:

    Hello Gini,
    I recently broke up with a friend at work and I am trying to figure out how to get closure. We started out as really good friends with a lot in common, but i have ruined it with my immaturity. We are both in our twenties and have worked together for 5 months. Everything was going great, we talked at work, talked at home, and really enjoyed each others company. But I have always dealt with depression and a habit of blowing things out of proportion. I began to fall in love with her and soon after began asking if she felt the same way. She said no and we moved on, but I felt that there was more to our friendship, so I asked her again. Once again she said no, so I began do devalue my life and trash our relationship. She told me I needed help and politely ended it, but I didn’t want it to end. I held on as long as I could, blaming myself, telling her that she wasted her time with me, asking her to forgive me. She told me that that was what she didn’t like. This is the first time that a friend has ended our friendship with a clean cut. I respect her for it but still feel the need to know why it happened. Why we couldn’t work things out.

  7. Gini Grey says:

    Hello John,

    You have really good self-awareness, and from what you’ve said, it explains what happened. The statement “I began to devalue my life and trash our relationship” says a lot. It’s hard to have a relationship when someone behaves that way as it is draining. But you see that so you are on the way to shifting your behavior in future relationships.

    As for getting closure with the friendship, the two things I find most helpful are – 1) stay out of the mind trying to figure it out or analyze what happened, 2) move into the body and feel the emotions that want to be released such as sadness for the loss, anger at what happened etc. Doing these two things will help you move on.

    Here are a couple of articles that can help:

    ~ http://ginigrey.com/LoveBug/how-to-move-on-once-a-friendship-is-over/

    ~ http://ginigrey.com/LoveBug/how-to-have-closure-when-a-friendship-ends/

    Take care,

    Gini

  8. bedanga says:

    Dear Gini,

    I have been friends with a woman since we were in high school, and we’ve been friends for over 30 years. But in the last five or so, my feelings for her have shifted from trying really hard to overlook her narcissistic tendencies, (which, honestly, I now see as very closely mirroring my mother’s own actual case of NPD ). She is acutely callus towards my feelings. I’ve been going through a bad time the last few years, suffering the deaths of two people close to me, a disabling injury etc. Unusually ‘bad luck’ let’s say. Anyway, throughout our lives I have had her back every step of the way. When my own circumstances were better than hers, which was a great deal of the time, I lent her money frequently and never asked for it back(she mostly paid it back but it didn’t matter much as I spent the most money on her when we’d go out for meals, drinks, etc and just entertaining her in general ); my husband and I would babysit her son often so she could have alone time or go out with friends ( she was a struggling single mother ); and it goes on and on. Finally her circumstances got better and I was thrilled to see her bloom and get married and find a sense of family that neither of us had had as kids, but instead of ever giving myself or any of her other friends any real credit for supporting her all those years, she now talks as if she did it all herself. I’ve ignored that in deference to her feelings and preferring to value the relationship instead of my own ego. Now that our circumstances have changed where mine are ‘worse’, so to speak, her calls have dropped off or she takes her sweet time returning my calls, for weeks most of the time, even when I leave a message saying I really need to speak with her. When she does call, she laughs about her behavior to me and almost brags about being a bad friend, like it’s a big joke.

    After spending some time the last year really thinking about why I have held on to her, part of it is because I do love her as a friend; our presence in each other’s lives represents A LOT of history that is hard to duplicate again ( 30 years is a LONG time to just toss it, but I feel ‘tossed’ myself by her ), and part of it is probably because she, as I mentioned, has behaviors that I have only recently admitted are so close to my own mother’s NPD behaviors, though I’m not suggesting my friend is NPD. I’ve considered her my BEST friend and now it just feels like her sole intent now is to make me feel devalued.

    My other best friend, who was murdered a few years back and I was closer to, had noticed this friend’s insensitivity to me at times and said, about her ability to keep me at a distance till she was bored or it suited her to call, that,”When people don’t make enough effort compared to yourself, they’re telling you your value to themselves without actually telling you.”

    My question is, how do I resolve this? I fear that if I confront her, which I have tentatively tried to do, she will become defensive and brittle, start gaslighting, and accuse me of being ‘overly sensitive’ ( one of my mother’s favorite stand-by excuses as well ). I’m at a really low point in my life, very socially isolated, and my friend is only present via phone due to our different locations. She finally did leave me a message the other day, but it was so delayed as usual that I found myself feeling petulant and angry hearing her voice and opted to take her method of leaving her in silent indifference till I ‘feel like’ calling her back. But the ONLY reason she called me was because she was returning my call. That’s it. That’s all. One of her reasons is that we wind up talking for ‘too long’ ( too long is an hour in between phone calls that occur only every few months! ). I’m tired of this and I’m tired of feeling like the only one between the two of us that is negatively affected by it. I have too many things draining me emotionally in other ways and I need a friend who is concerned about me too, not just me in them.

    Also, is it just a tendency of females to be so interested in using friendships like they use toothpaste? In general, I find males to be easier to get along with or be friends with than other women because MOST women I run into seem so obsessed with absurd, superficial crap and causing drama over absurd things and who seem to think friendships are ‘about’ themselves. When guys make ‘best friends’ with another guy, they tend to stay that way for a long, long time whereas women are inclined to be like,”You’re my bff!” and then two weeks later they have a new BFF!

    So here I am considering the end of my only female ‘BFF’ at a time when I’m in a new place where I know nobody, have no relatives, and feeling very isolated in general. Also, I’m going to be moving out of state again very shortly and feel averse to making the effort towards ‘getting to know’ anyone when I’m just going to be leaving anyway.

    Any advice? BTW, if you managed to get through all that, I just want to thank you for doing so since you’re under no obligation to have done so at all. Thanks! :)

  9. Gini Grey says:

    Hello Bedanga,

    It’s hard to let go of a best friend, particularly in your circumstance, yet it’s sad and frustrating to have a friend ignore your need for support during a difficult time. Which would be worse – having no friend at this time, or having a friend who continually lets you down?

    It’s not uncommon to attract a close friend who resembles a parent – it’s familiar territority, but it also gives us a chance to work through old family issues. It sounds like you are doing this as you are no longer willing to put up with being treated poorly – good for you.

    Talking to your friend probably won’t help as you said. People who are self-absorbed don’t understand the give and take of friendship, only the take side – it’s how their perception works and no one can change that except themselves. You could just tell her that you need more support at this time and ask if she can offer that through her friendship (without blaming her as that will make her more defensive and distant), but I wouldn’t expect much.

    Ending your friendship might be a way of honoring yourself. Perhaps you can learn to nurture yourself in a way that fills the emptiness until you make new friends. You could also make some short term friends for now until you move and then make new ones in your new location. I find it helpful to be clear within myself about what qualities I want to attract in another person so take some time to imagine the ideal type of friends, then you will recognize them when the show up in your life.

    It’s wonderful if friendships can last a lifetime, but due to people growing, changing and evolving, they tend to go in different directions and don’t resonate in the way they used to so they naturally end. When we accept this, we can let go easier and move on.

    Take care,

    Gini

  10. Jay says:

    Hey Ginny,
    It’s me again. So remember the friend I told you? Well, I can honestly say that the friendship between me and him is over. I really did try to salvage our friendship. It all started in 2011, when he started ignoring me and hanging out with the other friend. But, logically, I knew we couldn’t always hang out and since I have other friends then I figured so should he. So when he apologized and started hanging out with me again, I caved and let the issue go. Fall 2012 started out great, we had hung out a lot throughout the summer and were going to attend the same college. On top of that we’re also colleges and were sharing a class at the time. Well, two months later he got a girlfriend and as a good friend, I took a step back and let him do whatever he wanted with said girlfriend. But he always ends up loosing friends when he dates someone. I am no psychologist, but when he’s in a relationship… nothing else matters. He doesn’t care about school, calls me in for favors to cover his shifts at work more often than in the past and on top of that, he ALWAYS pushes friends away. In part it has to do with how clingy he is with the girlfriend. I know that when one is in a relationship, that someone takes up a lot of our time. But his clinginess to girlfriends always seems to unbalanced to be healthy for me. Anyway, getting a bit off topic here. Back in December, we had plan to go out to see a movie and play video games after I’d get off work. Well, I texted and called in between my breaks to see if we were still on for later that day. As it turn out, he stood me up and he didn’t even call me or texted to me let me know he wouldn’t make. Keep in mind, that this wasn’t the first thing he did this to me. The only difference is that in the past I had given him the benefit of the doubt. However, that night something in me snapped and it was like a blindfold had fallen and I could see clearly again. I decided to move on, make new friends and basically not care anymore for him. I had had enough. Ironically, he texted me the next day with a crappy excuse, telling me he hadn’t been able to text or call because his phone had fallen in the toilet. IDK about you, but his “story” didn’t add up. As of now, I am cordial with him since we still work together. But now that I don’t care anymore, it is he who is constanly asking me about how I’m doing and when we should hang out. Do you think now that he has seen I am a happier person without his friendship(which I am! :D ), he has realized he didn’t want to loose me as a friend. Also, he apologized to me for being a shitty friend over facebook(which I really don’t count). I have forgiven him but I don’t think the friendship can be fixed and sadly I have become another fatality in his dead friendships. So, I guess what I’m looking for in you today is what advice do you have for me in the future. Do you think he just didn’t appreciate me enough as friend or could he have been a false one? Thanks and hope you are having a marvelous day!!!!

  11. Mimi says:

    I often feel the same way as Nat. I get disappointed when friends splinter off from a larger group and start excluding others. Even though I agree that people should be allowed to spend time with whomever they want and in larger groups it’s harder for everyone to be together all the time, how can the person being excluded not take it personally? Aren’t those friends showing a preference for each other over you? I have found this to happen with larger social groups. There’s a certain amount of social competition to become the center of attention or be the bff of the queen bee in the group. But I’ve often felt an undercurrent of competition when a good friend meets a new friend. You try to all hang out together and the new friend pushes to get all the attention, doesn’t respond to anything you contribute to the conversation, and focuses attention solely on your good friend. Suddenly you notice they’re BFFs and you’re left out in the cold. My question is, if you find yourself in that kind of situation, and you talk to your friend about it, and their response is to say you’re being paranoid, what do you do? When this has happened to me, I’ve tried to be supportive of my friend’s decision and wait and see how things go. Usually, I don’t end up being friends with their new friend(s) our friendships become splintered. Should I try harder to make friends with the new friend or am I likely just banging my head against a wall because their agenda is to push me out of the way? And how can you tell if that’s the case?

  12. Gini Grey says:

    Hello Jay and Mimi,

    Sorry for the delay in responding – I’ve been away from the computer for several days do to a family death so haven’t had time to respond to comments, but will do my best for both of you here now.

    Jay: It sounds to me like your friend was genuine in his friendship with you, but gets distracted (and perhaps a little obsessed or codependant) with new friends and/or a girlfriend (keep in mind when we are initially attracted to someone it sets of a cocktail of hormones and chemicals in the brain similar to getting high on a drug which is why for the first 6 months people often lose interest in everything but the person who is associated with the high – but having said that, your friend could be codependant in relationships). He may also get caught in the ‘distancing/pursuing’ aspect of friendships/relationships and so as you become less interested in him (distancing) he becomes more interested and pursues. It’s hard to predict how future friends will treat you when they meet new friends or girlfriends, but if you keep your focus on yourself, your life and your happiness, then you’ll be less likely to get caught in these types of friendships, but will attract friends who are balanced in the same way as you are.

    Hope this helps – take care – Gini

    Mimi: I know it’s hard to be the excluded one – yet some people do click more with others and tend to gather in those tighter cliques over time. It doesn’t mean that they don’t want you as a friend, they just fit together better with the ones they are hanging out with. There are others out there who you will click better with and want to spend more time with. So all you can do is notice who you click with and bond with those friends. If it doesn’t work out, then try again. As with Jay’s comment, once he let go of the previous friend and focused on new friends, he felt happier and it didn’t bother him so much about the friend who excluded him. The happier we are with ourselves and the more we can meet our needs without being dependant on others, the easier it is to have friends and not be overly attached or upset if the friendship drifts apart or ends.

    Take care,

    Gini

  13. Lydia says:

    I’ve been close friends with this girl for five or so years. We spent most of our free time together, practically every day over summer since we didn’t have school. We finished school and went to different sixth forms, but remained close and met up most days to catch up. We started exercising together and I would travel to her sixth form when I had days off to see her.

    Last year I thought I ruined our friendship by confessing that I had strong feelings for her, but she insisted that although she didn’t feel the same way, our friendship would not change. She went away on holiday for a month the next day and I had time to get over my heartache so that by the time she had returned, I was over it.

    A couple of months later, my nan died. My other close friend was there for me, calling and emailing to check if I was okay and she even went to the funeral (well, she was so late that it was finished but that wasn’t actually her fault). The friend who I had confessed to simply said she “didn’t know what to say” and then changed the subject.

    I thought that maybe she just didn’t know how to deal with death, but then another friend of mine had her grandfather pass away not long after and I realised my friend didn’t have to know what to say. She should have just offered herself to me, asked if I wanted to talk or something.

    When my friend worried her parents were going to kick her out the house for dropping out of university, I was there for her. I offered her the spare bed in my house if it came to that but luckily it didn’t. When she thought she had been rejected for her musical theatre audition, I went to her house with ice cream and a smile.

    Nowadays when we go jogging together, she’s late and can’t be bothered to do anything. Almost every conversation we have ends up with her becoming hostile, assuming that I am intentionally frustrating her. Whenever I tell her a bit of news from my life, the topic gets firmly turned around so that she is the focus.

    Should I just cut my losses with this friendship? Although she SAID we’d still be friends, it doesn’t feel much like we are.

  14. emmy says:

    Dear Gini,
    i have been friend with this girl for about nine years now, and she is older than me. so we were so good we confided in each other and shared secrets, just like any best friends.
    this week she asked me to show how do something and i just said to her the way she should do it, because i have had experience with this thing. she didnt like my advice to her and said that she was very educated and have a degree that i dont have, and she has more experience than me, and she said that i was treating her like if she was dump etc….. she asked me and i answered her but she just blew up on me. i am so hurt because she knows how bad i wanted to go back to college and get a degree. so what should i do should i continue being friends with her??
    thank you

  15. Krista says:

    Dear Gini,

    My boyfriend and I have been friends with this awesome guy named Phil for two years now. We’ve done just about everything together fron staying up late and playing video games to creating crazy things in the kitchen and being random. We have all understood each other best since we all came from dysfunctional families. Recently, Phil’s older brother Robert decided to rescue Phil from their abusive father and said he wanted to help him get a job. (Note my bf & I are 22 and Phil is 19 almost 20 years old) Since I know we live in a small town I told him to go for it so he could better his life. I am worried though because I know Phil has manic depression and is still very naive. His brother and his brother’s friends drink very often and hang around a lot of sleazy people. I’m afraid Phil will forget where he came from and become a total douchebag. He already seems to have befriended some people in this choir group his brother’s fiancée is in. Yet phil claims he doesn’t want to be there and he is miserable and doesn’t like just playing video games. I guess what I’m wondering is…what do I do? How can I prevent our friendship from falling apart? and will our friendship last? As of right now phil will be living only 2 hours away from us but we are also planning on moving to another city later this year because of my boyfriend’s new job. Please help. I’m losing sleep over this and just really depressed that I will be losing one of the very few people that I feel cares about me.

  16. Gini Grey says:

    Dear Lydia, Emmy and Krista,

    My apologies for taking so long to respond to some of you – do to life circumstances and a back issue, I’m not on the computer very often.

    But I would like to acknowledge each of you and your situations and say a brief note to each here.

    Lydia – actions speak louder than words so go by how your friend behaves despite what she said. Your feelings are a guide so listen to them, get out of your head, and trust your heart. When you put your hand over your heart and ask what to do, what does it say? Let go or connect again? Follow it.

    Emmy – sounds like your friend’s ego was acting up and some of her issues were triggered, which is ultimately not your responsibility so don’t take it on. Overall do you enjoy the friendship? Friendships have there ups and downs (like the weather), but if overall it’s good, then stick with it. If not, let her go.

    Krista – Even though you are not in close physical contact with Phil, through the phone, email etc you can stay in contact and be supportive to him regardless of what he experiences in his new life situation. Sometimes going through challenges helps us to grow in amazing ways so try not to worry about what might happen to him. Instead envision that the can handle whatever happens and send him positive thoughts instead of worry thoughts. Who knows where life will take him – he might move back again soon and be back in your life. Keep in contact with him and see how it unfolds – trust the process.

    Take care,

    Gini

  17. Joe Bloggs says:

    Dear Gini,

    First of all great website, I’m glad I stumbled across it.

    I have a friend who I have known and been close friends with on and off for 14 years, throughout high school and beyond (I’m 20 now). He is the opposite of myself in that he has dabbled with some dangerous things over the years, (gambling, drugs and heavy alcohol) but he always got through it in the end and moved on.

    I speak regularly with him however 2 weeks ago I lent him a small amount of money (about $100) which was promised to be returned the following week. I’m not angry at him not giving me the money back when he said he would, but I am angry that he has not spoke to me since and he is now blanking and not returning my calls/text. I see status updates on facebook of him going to night clubs. This has shattered my trust for this person and by his actions I feel that he sees me as just someone chasing a bad debt. Although it seems he doesn’t value it I’m more concerned about the friendship rather than the money.

  18. Barbara says:

    I felt my boss and i had a special relationship. We both left the company within a few months and swore we would keep in touch. It’s been 4 months and neither of us has emailed or talked to each other. We were work friends only and now that we don’t work together it seems as though we don’t have a common connection. I have been waiting for an email and afraid that if I email her she will reply just to be polite or not reply at all. I would rather not know than be rejected.

  19. Emma says:

    Hi, Gini

    I have a friend that I’ve been friends with for about 12 years. We spent childhood together was did everything together. We fought often, but they were small things and they all resolved over time on their own.

    But now that we’re older, when. I talk to her, I feel like there isn’t anything in common anymore. She is busy and I’m busy, and when we finally have a chance to meet, it’s not very fun for me and the conversations are stale. It pains me to let go of such a long friendship, but I feel like we’re on a different wavelength. Like if I met her for the first time right now, I wouldn’t be friends with someone like her. And seeing her makes me frustrated beyond logical explaination, and I seriously just want to end it because of all this odd suffering. And so I’ve been treating her awfully, and I feel terrible. I really just want to end this relationship. Anything she does bothers me and I can’t find a logical reason for these feelings! I think my heart is telling me to let go, but is this a good idea? Am I being selfish? A jerk? She still says I’m very important to her but I don’t want anything to do with her… My whole body is saying “no” to her approaches… So confused… What should I do?

  20. mary says:

    Gini

    I know this thread is really old and you might not be reading this anymore.

    I’ve had this best friend since the beginning of high school..so almost 15 years. Since I got married I feel like we have been drifting apart. She hardly ever tries to hang out and when I ask her I typically get turned down. She is very busy with work right now and I know for a fact that she spends her free time with her other friends instead of with me. I guess what I’m trying to ask is that whether I just need to let go and stop expecting too much from her. We were best friends…we did everything together for so long and now I feel lost and abandoned. I have other friends but I honestly feel like there will never be someone like her who understood me the way she did.

    I sent her this email telling her how I feel and I basically got a very polite email back saying that she wants to hang out more but somehow it seems as she’s just saying it to say it…

    Please advise..

  21. Trying to keep the Spark alive says:

    I’m having a tough time with a situation and would appreciate some thoughts – from Gini and anyone else.

    I had a Best Friend I grew up with. We Neens best friends particularly from Middle School through high school and through college and a year after college. This friend restructured our relationship / basically it was his choice to stop our journey together. We both play music. We picked up instruments in middle school together. When we were growing up (from age 12-18) we literally played together and hung out 6-7 days a week. And talked about dreams of playing together and being successful in the future.

    This friendship ment the world to me. I felt like we thought the same way. Liked the same things, got along famously. We went to different schools in college but met up every summer and most spring or winter breaks. After college we lived together and were playing music together daily again.

    That was 10 years ago. We never got in a Single fight until one day – a normal Roomate type argument over something stupid. Instead of really resolving it he moved Away. I tried to ask mutual friends and his family what happened – the best answer I could get was that – when we played together there were two main stars so to speak. I tried to ask him about the situations many times – he doesn’t like to talk through stuff – it seems to push him away. When we were close friends – people used to mix up our names we were a famous pair. To this day if I see old friends they ask me how is your buddy doing ? You guys still doin your thing ?

    The idea that one day we would split up as a u it was a worst case scenario – I would never entertain – just not even possible that’s how close we were. Well – now his family seem to resent me or not like me over this. My family loves this friend.

    I did back off respectfully and I would try to subtly spark the fire by reaching out and having a light conversation. We seem to get along very well in the surface. But as soon as I push the issue of playing music together – he pulls away. It’s heartbreaking and I can honestly say now that after giving 10 years of space. I would give anything to have that relationship and friendship back – even if only a healthy percentage of what it once was. Maybe just to try it again? I would give Ll my possessions all my money everything I could to have another try at this friendship. But for some reason there is still resistance. When I ask – hey lets play again like we used to enjoy so much. The Mai. Reason I get for the separation is we were so close growing up – he needed some seperation. I just don’t understand there should be enough room for both collaboration and individualization. But yes I gave him the space – but how much is enough. One year? Two Years? 5 years 10 years?

    I’m not gonna live forever here time is running out – if I want healing to happen and for us to be a oe to achieve beautiful amazing things together. I do believe in the bottom of my heart that in this case – there the sum will be greater then the parts.

    I can’t u der stand why it is so important. I have turned to heroin to sooth the pain. It was planned out per say but it allowed me to not have to feel this particular pain. I probably think Bout what a joy it would be – or how hard it has been for me on a daily basis.
    Recently when word got out about my heroin use – of all people in the world this particular friend reached out
    It ment so much to me that I kicked the addiction almost right away. In my mind I thought – hey they do care Bout me.
    Maybe if I get well – they will be there for Another go at it.

    But so far the pain is still there. Can you believe it 10 years?
    And the love and dreams I have are still at full strength.
    I would offer everything Nd anything to rekindle this one.

    I don’t know what to do. Should I talk to them? Like in depth? We do hang out or have rather. Few times over the last 4 months. But I’ve haven’t really expressed my self I. Fear that I will push away again. I very deeply desire to mend this relationship.

    I’m getting stronger – this IS important enough to me to wear my heart on my sleeve. If anything is worth enough of my energy to make me think about if year after year for 16 years it is worth me giving it another shot. But it would be great if someone out there could try to help me – with similar stories, ideas of why tho friend is acting this way, (is it Competition? Jealousy, fear of being outshined?, retaliation?)

    My deep belief is that I am and always have come from a pure place of love. That we aRe so much alike our goals are actually aligned, and that I wish nothing more the. To help both of us realize our dreams and be happy and to spread that happiness. Perhaps you can pray for me? Help me understand? Alright that’s enough writing for one late night.

    Thanks Gini,
    Hope to hear from you and others
    w. love

  22. Gini Grey says:

    Hello Everyone,

    I don’t get a chance to respond to comments on my Love Bug site much these days but I would like to touch in and offer a few suggestions that I hope will be helpful to all of you.

    Whether you are triggered negatively by a friend and don’t wan to see them anymore or are strongly missing them – any strong feeling associated with another is an opportunity to explore your relationship to yourself. I know this may sound strange, but I’ve discovered over the years that often our reactions are projections. So if we feel strongly about someone it’s often something we are either not accepting or something we need to bring out in ourself.

    So for example if you miss a certain quality or experience with another, your higher self may be asking you to have that with yourself, the God of your heart etc. When we are so filled with self love that we don’t feel lonely or “need” anyone in particular to feel whole, alive, fulfill our dreams etc. then we can connect more easily with others.

    I often suggest to people to take time to get out of the head and thoughts about the situation or person and touch into the feelings and into the heart. Notice what reactions/emotions come up and if there are any childhood memories associated. Once you have felt them, let the go (imagine giving them to your higher self, the universe, God of your heart, or the energy of love that supports you) and move into a place of peace. Each time you have strong feelings about the person, do this feeling and letting go technique again, and eventually you will have more neutrality and clarity about the person.

    Try it and then let me know back here on the site if it worked.

    Take care,

    Gini

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