Friends drift apart when they no longer resonate together.
Friendships end for a variety of reasons. Some friends are meant to be by our side for a life time while others come in for a specific purpose and time period. Like an angel, just when we’re going through a difficult time, a new friend arrives who offers the exact support we need. Once we’re on our feet again, that friend may disappear, leaving space for another to arrive.
Remember as a child having a best friend one month only to change to another the following month? Some children change friends as fast as each week, while others remain friends through the year or the entire time at elementary, junior or high school. It’s an honor to have a friend since childhood still be in your life through the adult years.
As we change and grow and drift apart from friends it can be sad to lose touch with someone we once explored new adventures, shared our deepest secrets, and laughed ourselves silly with. Yet it’s a natural part of life. It takes time and energy to keep a friendship going. As people embark on careers, start families and take on more responsibilities, there isn’t the same amount of time to spend with friends. We become more selective about how we use our precious time.
When Friends Drift Apart Naturally
What we enjoy as children changes through adolescence and adulthood. Someone who was rebellious as a teenager might shift and become over responsible as an adult. Their friends will naturally change as they go through transformations. Unless two friends have the same interests in common or share a deep bond, their interests go elsewhere.
Two people who work together have that as their shared experience. If one or both leave for another job elsewhere, the context changes and therefore the relationship might not have enough glue to hold it together. The same happens for people in any group or organization; once the common interest changes or is lost, there may not be a shared connection.
People actively pursuing a personal or spiritual growth journey tend to let go of old ways of being quickly as they discover more of their authentic self. What once sparked enthusiasm may fizzle out. A different career path, change of home, and new friends are not surprising. There’s nothing good or bad, nor right or wrong about any of this. It’s a simple case of two things not matching or resonating together anymore. This includes friends.
When Friendships End Abruptly
If a friendship suddenly ends, it may not be a simple mismatch. There may be underlying resentment or unresolved issues at hand. One friend may be hurt by the other’s words or actions and decide to end the friendship. Unfortunately, they may be missing out on an opportunity to heal their own old wounds triggered by their friend.
When we are wounded by another, there is usually a deeper wound underneath; otherwise the current experience wouldn’t be so charged. We wouldn’t take it as personally, but would be willing to explore the dynamics that led to the experience. But if our friend’s inappropriate behavior has become a pattern, it may be time to set healthy boundaries and limit or end the friendship.
If you’re wondering whether to end a friendship or not, explore the following questions:
- What is healthy about the friendship and what is not healthy?
- What do I enjoy about the friendship and what are the benefits?
- What do I not enjoy about it and what does it cost me?
- If it’s not healthy or functional, what keeps me in it?
- If it’s generally healthy except for one issue, can I resolve it?
- Is this friendship triggering an old wound that needs healing?
If you’ve recently lost a good friend and don’t know why, ask yourself the following:
- Do we really have anything in common or have we grown apart?
- Has either or both of us changed in different directions over time?
- From their perspective, is there anything inappropriate I might have done?
- Has a misunderstanding occurred that could be rectified?
- Is there a lesson or growth opportunity available for me here?
- Do I need closure through a letter or conversation?
Good friends are a source of comfort, support, fun and companionship. Take time to nurture the important ones, explore ways to mend broken friendships, and find acceptance for the friends that have drifted away.
Do you have any questions or insights into why friends drift apart and friendships end? Please share below.
Hello Jay,
It does sound like your friend has replaced you with a new best friend and therefore demoted you to a lesser role in his life. I know how hard it is to be in that situation, but it does happen – particularly in school years as we do tend to bond with those we spend time with (in classes etc.) so as your friend spent less time with you and more time with another friend, he must have felt more of a connection or mutual interest there.
The thing to remember is it isn’t personal – you haven’t done anything wrong etc. which many people think when a friend distances or ends the friendship. It’s just that our tastes change at times so our friends change too. We can’t help who we’re drawn to or why we lose interest, it just happens. And we don’t always understand why, so your friend may not know himself why he likes to spend more time with this other person than with you.
I can understand that you wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to your friend about this, as many males do get a bit squeamish around ‘feelings’, which is too bad as that is a big part of our lives whether we are male or female.
The key I’ve found is acceptance. If we can be okay with what is and trust that in the bigger picture of life it will all work out, we stop torturing ourselves with the ‘why’ and ‘what happened’ questions that roll around in our minds endlessly when we don’t let it go. When we stop resisting what is and stop longing for what was, we open up to new possibilities that are a better match for us.
Take care,
Gini
Dear Gini,
You have no idea how great is to hear someone else say that. Throughout this whole ordeal, I felt like I was the one that did something wrong. But thanks to you Gini, I actually see I am not at fault and perhaps “Joe” isn’t either. So I think that what you’re trying to say is that I just need to accept that sometime friendships ends or aren’t as strong as they used to. You know ironically, I finally snapped a week ago and not caring if it
“seemed gay” I finally told him all the doubts I had about our friendship. Like if he had any idea that he had started making me feel like a third wheel and if had noticed that we weren’t as close as we were last year. What surprised me was that he said that he had and that despite not spending a lot of time anymore, he still considers me like a brother despite being just as close to “Brady”and that to him I am just a great guy. lol and then he said “no homo” cause he had just talked about his feelings. So I don’t know, is this a good sign that not all hope is lost and that our friendship can still be saved? I would love to hear your opinion. Once again, you were a great help! Hope your doing well!!
Hello Jay,
I got some nice goose bumps reading your comment. One because you really “get it” that there’s no right or wrong around friendships drifting or ending – just happens,and second that you shared what was going on for you with your friend, and he responded so well in return.
It does sound like you two still have a good connection, but as you both noticed it has changed by having another person in the mix. I have friends that I care deeply about but don’t see often (but when we do it feels like no time has passed) and others I spend more time with. I also find I go through periods of time where I will spend more time with one friend, then not see them for awhile. I’ve come to the place where I’m not concerned about and just trust that it will all work out and it does. May it be the same for you.
Take care,
Gini
Hi Gini, I am a 30 yr old hetrosexual male who’s having a problem w/ one of my best friends of about 15 years. My friend has been in a relationship w/ this girl for about 4 years and who i’ve also become close with. She recently lost her job, and has become very lazy which caused a fight between the 2 of them. I told her straight up face to face that she needed to work for herself let alone for their relationship. During this fight my friend called me constantly, he moved out for awhile into a mutual friends place and the whole time doged her out to him and everyone else which caused them to also talk bad about her. I openly refused to do so, said she was my friend though my loyalty will always be with him and told him their problems aren’t only because of her. He told me he still loved her but was telling other people he was done – thease other friends reveled in the fact that he might be single again, while I told him and everyone else if he’s happy I am no matter what his decision was. A few days into his moveing out I texted her and got no reply… tried calling – same thing. Shortly after he moved back into their shared condo and though things weren’t perfect w/ them he was back there full time. I was hanging out w/ him and another close friend of ours and he called to see if it would be ok to come back to the condo, she said yes but that I wasn’t wanted there…
I am tired of him telling me his true feelings while he tells his other friends what they want to hear that he’s single and ready to hit the strip clubs and bars.
Since she has some problem w/ me now, he’s been hanging out w/ this other friend of his who I happen to hate, and to be honest it’s bothering me. I sent him a rude text letting him know I find it funny that since things are back to fairy tale land with him and his girlfriend and that since I am not welcome at their house that he feels the need to hang out with this other friend so much… he’s told mutual friends that I need to get over my problem w/ this other person and that he doesn’t need to call me everyday. Funny that when he needed me I was there though – and before that we spoke almost everyday and hung out several times thoughout the week.
I consider him like a brother and would do anything for him but I truly feel wronged and betrayed. I told him in the text not to reply cause I wasn’t in the mood to fight which was a week ago… What should I do now… end the friendship? Am I crazy?
Hello Eric,
Your situation is a tricky one – you’ve been friends for such a long time there is a strong bond there. One thing to ask yourself is “If it wasn’t for this situation, would I still want to be friends?” I ask this because sometimes situations arise to break up friendships because on a deeper level, the friendship is over but we just won’t admit it. Your age is a common time for friends to dift apart as people take on new interests as they mature and don’t match old friends as much.
But if the answer is “Yes” then you might want to ride it out a while and see what happens over time. Give your friend some time and space to figure out his situation with his girlfriend. From what you’ve said he sounds confused and may be codependent with her and that would explain the back and forthing and mixed messages he gives. But there is nothing you can do exept be compassionate and supportive where it’s appropriate.
That leads me also to ask if part of your hurt and feelings of betrayal (while totally understandable and those feelings need to be felt and processed in order to release) could be unconsciously aimed at yourself for giving too much time and attention to your friend and his problems. Sometimes when we give too much to someone else when we really needed to set a boundary or give more to ourselves, we end up blaming the other person when they don’t respond the way we want them to. Just something to think about.
My overall suggestion is to hold off ending the friendship until you have processed your hurt feelings and come to a higher understanding and forgiveness – this will be a much more centered and neutral place to make a decision from (which you won’t regret later). So focus on you for a while and see what happens.
Take care,
Gini
Hi Gini-
Great article. I am just reading it now. I have a situation where I have had a fairly close work friend since the late 90′s. We have kept in touch when I moved out of state and she helped me get a job back at my current employer where we met and both currently work.
She is in a situation where she has been with the same partner since high school some 20 plus years. I am now in a situation where I am engaged to be married later in my life. As soon as I told her of this it seems like she became very distant and even out right rude towards me. She has definitely been avoiding me and it just feels strained and weird when I run into her.
I have avoided a direct confrontation because I did want to give her time and space to get through whatever issues she is having. It is hard for me though because I really believed she was a friend that I would always be able to count on and we had a strong relationship.
We work in the same building and periodically run into each other. We are mostly cordial. But we used to chat almost daily and hang out outside of work on a semi regular basis.
I miss our friendship and time and space has now turned into a year with more distance rather than less. I am wondering if there is anything I can or should do….or just move on?
There are a few other little factors- such as I believe she is going through the change of life. Also, she is working on collaborating with a friend of mine who lives in another state and never mentioned it to me….which is fine…but kinda weird???
Thanks for any insight you may have!
Hi Kittie,
I’m wondering what would happen if you told her you miss her and see how she responds. Then if you feel safe enough to bridge the subject to comment on how you noticed her distance after you became engaged. Perhaps if you did it from a non judgment, non blame, just curious and missing her kind of place, she may feel safe enough to share what’s been going on for her. In the end, it may be all of her stuff in her life that has nothing to do with you, but until the subject is brought up, you’ll never know.
Connect with your heart and soul and see what feels appropriate for you – our minds will wrestle over all the pros and cons and still come up empty but the heart knows what we need to do – place a hand there, take a few deep breaths and notice what comes up as you reflect on the situation.
Take care,
Gini
Hi, I have a friend who drifted away from me recently and it hurt me so I talked to a few people about this. They all told me I should go talk to her about it. I found the time and when I told her about her drifting away from me, she broke down and told me that I am not the only person she’s doing this to. She had drifted away from her friends and she dosen’t like it, plus she dosen’t know why she does it. I still care for her as we have been close friends and she had been depressed because she wants to know why is she like this. I wish I can help her.
Hello Alexandra,
That’s wonderful you were able to have an honest conversation about this with your friend. I can understand you want to help her, but there isn’t much you can do except hold positive thoughts in your mind and heart for her and accept her as she is.
Whether this is a problem for her (i.e. do to depression or intimacy fears etc.) or whether it is a part of her personal growth (many people undergoing deep personal or spiritual growth feel symptoms of depression at times and let go of many friendships as they move into a space of discovering themselves more deeply) she will move through it at her own pace and if need be, will seek support on her own – no one can do it for her, but you can still be a good friend by supporting whatever decisions she makes and not taking them personally.
Take care,
Gini