Friends drift apart when they no longer resonate together.
Friendships end for a variety of reasons. Some friends are meant to be by our side for a life time while others come in for a specific purpose and time period. Like an angel, just when we’re going through a difficult time, a new friend arrives who offers the exact support we need. Once we’re on our feet again, that friend may disappear, leaving space for another to arrive.
Remember as a child having a best friend one month only to change to another the following month? Some children change friends as fast as each week, while others remain friends through the year or the entire time at elementary, junior or high school. It’s an honor to have a friend since childhood still be in your life through the adult years.
As we change and grow and drift apart from friends it can be sad to lose touch with someone we once explored new adventures, shared our deepest secrets, and laughed ourselves silly with. Yet it’s a natural part of life. It takes time and energy to keep a friendship going. As people embark on careers, start families and take on more responsibilities, there isn’t the same amount of time to spend with friends. We become more selective about how we use our precious time.
When Friends Drift Apart Naturally
What we enjoy as children changes through adolescence and adulthood. Someone who was rebellious as a teenager might shift and become over responsible as an adult. Their friends will naturally change as they go through transformations. Unless two friends have the same interests in common or share a deep bond, their interests go elsewhere.
Two people who work together have that as their shared experience. If one or both leave for another job elsewhere, the context changes and therefore the relationship might not have enough glue to hold it together. The same happens for people in any group or organization; once the common interest changes or is lost, there may not be a shared connection.
People actively pursuing a personal or spiritual growth journey tend to let go of old ways of being quickly as they discover more of their authentic self. What once sparked enthusiasm may fizzle out. A different career path, change of home, and new friends are not surprising. There’s nothing good or bad, nor right or wrong about any of this. It’s a simple case of two things not matching or resonating together anymore. This includes friends.
When Friendships End Abruptly
If a friendship suddenly ends, it may not be a simple mismatch. There may be underlying resentment or unresolved issues at hand. One friend may be hurt by the other’s words or actions and decide to end the friendship. Unfortunately, they may be missing out on an opportunity to heal their own old wounds triggered by their friend.
When we are wounded by another, there is usually a deeper wound underneath; otherwise the current experience wouldn’t be so charged. We wouldn’t take it as personally, but would be willing to explore the dynamics that led to the experience. But if our friend’s inappropriate behavior has become a pattern, it may be time to set healthy boundaries and limit or end the friendship.
If you’re wondering whether to end a friendship or not, explore the following questions:
- What is healthy about the friendship and what is not healthy?
- What do I enjoy about the friendship and what are the benefits?
- What do I not enjoy about it and what does it cost me?
- If it’s not healthy or functional, what keeps me in it?
- If it’s generally healthy except for one issue, can I resolve it?
- Is this friendship triggering an old wound that needs healing?
If you’ve recently lost a good friend and don’t know why, ask yourself the following:
- Do we really have anything in common or have we grown apart?
- Has either or both of us changed in different directions over time?
- From their perspective, is there anything inappropriate I might have done?
- Has a misunderstanding occurred that could be rectified?
- Is there a lesson or growth opportunity available for me here?
- Do I need closure through a letter or conversation?
Good friends are a source of comfort, support, fun and companionship. Take time to nurture the important ones, explore ways to mend broken friendships, and find acceptance for the friends that have drifted away.
Do you have any questions or insights into why friends drift apart and friendships end? Please share below.
hi Gini ! i am happy to read your text about loosing friend… i met a women when our boys where little- 16 years ago. We saw each other from time to time- dinner- walk etc… and i thought she was really my friend although we did not talk regularly. Before x-mas she decided to go back to work. i found out after the holiday- from another women we both know… i haven’t been in touch with her since …wondering why she did not tell me , does she think she told me?… she is now very busy and this is my excuse to leave her alone but i am sometime wondering if i did something wrong or if it was time for a change in our friendship. I am thinking to copy-paste your text and send her an e-mail . should I ? thanks for your help.
Hello Francesca,
It’s hard to know what happened with your friend – whether she thought she told you or got busy and her attention went elsewhere in her life when she went back to work. But contacting her would be a great way to find out.
You mentioned that you haven’t contacted her because she has been busy, but she too could be wondering what happened to your friendship. Miscommunication (or no communication) can get in the way of friendships.
Before you take action, reflect on the outcome you’d like to achieve. If you send her a copy of my article and comments, how might that work out? Or if you call her and say you miss her and would love to get together, how might that go. Or if you email her and ask if anything went wrong between you both, how might she respond. If you were in her shoes, how would you like to be approached about your friendship?
There are many ways to handle this so I recommend you imagine each one, and notice which one feels good to you as there is no right way, just different approaches. Which one feels like it’s coming from your heart and soul? Connect with your heart and decide how to approach her from there.
I wish you all the best,
Gini
Hey Gini, I’m 16 years
old and I have a best friend and I love her so muh but
I feel like in drifting apart from her, she Hardly texts me and never rings me and I feel like if she’s not going to put the effort then why should I. I miss her and we never see each other apart from school and she just sees her boyfriend every single day and it’s like I’m being shut out and I’ve never had someone like her In my life and I don’t want to loose her but I feel like I have too.
Hello Ariannah,
I’ve been in your situation before so I know how hard it is to watch a friendship slip away. In the teen years, it’s not uncommon for people to become so focused on a romantic relationship that they neglect their close friends. I know you feel like it’s not fair putting all the effort into the relationship, but have you tried to talk to her about this (from a non-blaming way, just letting her know you miss her and want more time together and feel neglected)? She may not be aware of how you are feeling and if you let her know, she may take a new look at her priorities.
If for some reason, she doesn’t feel the same connection with you anymore, you may have to let her go in order to open up to new friends. It will be sad, but new opportunities will arise. Something I’ve discovered over the years, is that when I am open to making a new connection, the perfect people show up in my life (the saying that when one door closes, another opens, is true).
The love you feel your friend is a gift you can give to yourself and others so treasure it.
Take care,
Gini
Hi Gini,
I really enjoyed your post. I have been going through some major personality and spiritual changes in the past 4 yrs. In that time, I have drifted away/lost many people I used to laugh and party with. The feeling of not being around them anymore has been a source of pain for me at times, and I have tried my best to keep in touch, but majority of these individuals more or less wrote me off, and stopped communicating with me. On the other hand I had a good friend who was with me when I started my spiritual journey. We were best of friends, talking everyday etc. She lived hours away so i always made these long trips to visit her, and support her in all her activities. But whenever I would invite her over, whether for dinner/lunch or to an activity of mine, she would never show up nor would she physically help. I soon got married to a lovely lady, and then I stopped hearing from my friend altogether. I would send texts, phone calls etc to check up, but no response. I’ve had a history of betrayal in my life, so her behavior opened old wounds and I was bitter for some time, but I learned to let go. Life is interesting.
With people from my past, from making all the new changes in my life I have seen how different they are from me, and sometimes I wonder how we ever were compatible in the first place. The tradeoff is being lonely sometimes, but I’m sure I will soon make new friends in their place. I smile more these days. Thanks again for the post.
Hello Johnny,
Thanks for sharing your experience. I can relate to what it’s like to lose friends once you’ve embarked on a spiritual journey. It is sad to not have the same connections, but I’ve found that even with people who want to stay friends, it doesn’t feel the same and I need to move on. It seems that with each spiritual shift I make, it changes the context with my friends and I end up letting more go. But new ones do arrive.
I’m glad to hear that you have learned to let go of the bitterness and betrayal you’ve felt as a result of friends writing you off or not staying connected. Perhaps this all happened so you could heal old betrayal wounds, let go and move on as you have.
I can relate to the loneliness as well, yet I’m now finding this is supporting me to go deeper into my spiritual connection with myself and all of life – that place where loneliness doesn’t really exist.
Enjoy your journey,
Gini
Hi Gini! I really relate to this article and found it really helpful. However, I was hoping you could give me some advice. My best friend and I have been very close since middle school (this is our last year of high school) and in 10th grade she moved away for a year. During this year, we maintained contact and talked when we could via IM. She moved back to the city this summer, and we go to school together now. However, we both went through big changes, her being home alone all the time (her parents are the “really nice/well meaning but pretty absent” kind) when she moved, as well as now and I recently lost my grandfather in June. We are both depressed in our own way: Her, often alone on weekends, always calls me to hang out. I, on the other hand, seek to be alone, and almost always turn down her offer. I really wish I could just set aside my negative emotions and hang out with her, but I’m not that kind of person to just put on a smile when I feel like crying. She feels like I put no effort into the friendship, but I feel like I’m being smothered by her nagging me and guilting me into spending time together. I want to hang out with her, but I just always get so drained when we are together. We have both discussed this, and agreed that something is up. I thought we had worked things out, but I still feel like there are underlying issues. It’s all really frustrating and I just feel awful. Could this just be a phase, or are we genuinely drifting apart because our personalities are showing things neither of us knew existed in the other?
Hello Elizabeth,
You have great insight into this situation – especially for your age. I didn’t have the depth of awareness about friends when I was in highschool like you do.
I totally understand your desire to spend time alone, especially if you are grieving the loss of your grandfather. When I am feeling down, I don’t want to hang out with friends and I’m thankful that they can appreciate this. Given your grief, it could be a phase you are going through, so asking your friend for time, space and patience would be helpful.
But on the otherhand, you mentioned you want to hang out with her but feel smothered and drained when with her. I’m wondering if she is self-absorbed (which drains people’s energy) or if you don’t have healthy boundaries when you are with her (keeping your energy in your own space, honoring your own emotions and not taking hers on). The next time you are together, notice if you are more focused on her than on yourself (try to keep part of your awareness on yourself, your feelings and sensations as you listen and talk to her).
I think the best thing is to take it one day at a time. Check in with your body, heart and soul to see if you want to spend time with your friend on any given day. If you do, then do, but if you start to feel drained, let her know you need to go. If you don’t feel like getting together, then don’t, and try not to judge yourself for it. Accepting what is, brings relief.
Perhaps you two could come to an agreement about honoring each other’s needs for alone time. This means your friend will need to accept when you don’t want to hang out without taking it personally or trying to pressure you – there’s no point in spending time together if one of you doesn’t want to be there.
Over time it will become more obvious if you are drifting apart. As she realizes you are not as interested in her, she will find new friends and so will you.
You also mentioned there may be underlying issues. As you take a break from your friend, you can reflect or journal about the situation. Ask yourself what you like and enjoy about her. Then ask yourself what you don’t like, what triggers you etc. This may give you more insights.
I hope this helps,
Gini
Hi Gini
Nearly a year ago, I met a man who has been supportive and always there for me with current personal issues in my life. We share many common interests and values. Although he is more shy than most men, there was an instant connection between us and we became great friends. He began opening up to me and in no time we began finishing each other’s sentences, laughed at each other’s jokes, talked on serious levels as well as have fun with one another. Unfortunately, online “drama” concerning mutual aquaintances seemed to stop him from opening up to me on a personal level like he had. I believe he still enjoys chatting with me where we still talk on a regular basis, with him initiating most of the conversations. However, he seems to have withdrawn, less available and become distant in his replies. When I ask if everything is okay, or offer to keep distant when he’s busy, he says everything is fine and that I need to stop worrying so much. When I asked if our friendship has grown stale/boring he told me not to say that. He’s never made me doubt him and has no reason to lie where as we are not actually in a committed relationship, even though I would like to be more than “just friends” in the future. However, his recent distance has made me start doubting him and wonder if there was someone else he has more of an interest in, even though he denies it. I’m afraid that this reaction from me has made me appear “clingy” and “needy” and wonder if I’ve lost the friendship we had, for good…if nothing more? More recently, I’m trying to be more independent, confident happy around him. I’ve also been giving him a little more space. Although he seems happier, I’m afraid my insecure behavior caused me to remain in this state of “aquaintance” status instead of good friends, forever, or if there is any hidden resentment that I am not aware of.
Please advise, as any insight would be much useful and appreciated. Thank you
Unsure What To Think
Hello “Unsure What to Think”,
If the shift in your friendship is due to the drama around aquantances as you mentioned, over time this will subside and your regular relationship will develop.
But it sounds like there could be a couple of things going on here. One that comes to mind, is that he may be overwhelmed by the instant, strong connection you two had. You mentioned he is a bit shy, so perhaps he came out of his shell with you initially (the way we do when we are attracted to someone and on a bit of a ‘high’), but now that time has passed, he has returned to his normal self (which, if he is a bit introverted means he needs more alone time than people who are extraverted). So in this case, everything could be fine, but he may be the type that requires less social connection and more time on his own, so keeping busy with your own interests will support the relationship over time.
Another thing that comes to mind is from how you said he “has been supportive and always there for me with current personal issues in my life.” The question that comes to my mind, is: could he be feeling overwhelmed by dealing with your issues? It may not even be something he is aware of, but if this is the case, he might naturally withdraw a bit to create some healthy separation. Overtime, this will shift as he feels comfortable to reconnect.
Another thing to be aware of is that even if you are giving your friend space on a physical level (not contacting him too often or asking too much of him etc.) you may be in his space energetically. Our energy goes to what we focus on, so my suggestion would be to imagine pulling all of your energy out of his space and back into your own (while releasing his energy from your space to give back to him).
It might help to think about him less often and start to enjoy your life on your own. If you are inspired from a joyful place to contact him, do so. But if you are concerned about him or your relationship, try turning it over to your higher self and let it go while focusing on something else (otherwise you may end up playing the distance and pursue game).
To gain further clarity about what is going on, get out of your head and into your body, heart and soul. From there what do you feel about him and the relationship? Check your gut instinct, then put your hand over your heart and ask what it senses. Our mind can race with doubts and fears if we let it, but our heart and soul knows the truth.
I hope these suggestions help.
Take care,
Gini
Hi Gini
Your quick response to my confusion is greatly appreciated. Thank you!
I agree with you on every level. I believe the drama around mutual acquaintances has subsided and he’s come around a bit. But, not quite to what it was like before. I also agree with you that he came out of his shell initially and has resumed back to his “normal” self. And yes, he has mentioned that he does like time to himself to proceed with his own hobbies and interests. However, where I start to get concerned is that he is an administrator in a site where we originally met through mutual acquaintances. Although those acquaintances no longer frequent that site. He continues to handle is admin responsibilities as he should, but seems to now sacrifice his time with me for that and others associated with that site. Although he says he’s not much of a chatter, I often wondered if there are people there that holds his interest more than I now. When asked in the past, under no pressure or obligation to answer, he denied that was a possibility and still continues to say the same. He also insists that I worry too much and adamant that there is nothing to worry about. Also, since this shift in our friendship, other than a few spurts of venting, in less detail than before, I have stopped involving him in my personal issues, as not to overwhelm him with such drama.
I guess the reason I am confused is because, in the beginning, he invited me to his MSN Messenger contact list that he shares with his online friends/acquaintances from his forum, who he has known longer than me. However, since then, he also created a new account using a different messenger that I normally use. In MSN you are either on or offline to everyone. Unless you are really not online, or ignore/block/delete a contact, they can not see you as online. Although he’s continued to talk to me daily in his other messenger account, I would still see him online in MSN, as well. However, I no longer see him online in MSN when we chat in his other messenger. When originally asked last fall, he said he no longer turns it on as often, not that I was deleted. Sometimes I feel like he just doesn’t want me to see when he’s online when he’s not in the mood to chat to me and doesn’t have the other messenger account on. I feel this way because I’ve known times he’s in the forum he admins, yet not in messenger and just let him be, giving him his space with other friends.
Although I am giving him his physical space, it is difficult to give him his energetic space because I am so confused and fear I may be losing his friendship in spite of what he says. This bothers me because I was always able to trust what he said. Another reason for this is, since my last post, we have not talked at all during the day, which we always had during his breaks at work and when he got home. I often fear he still connects with his other “friends” during the day and see him in the forum he admins when he is home from work. Yet, last night, I had his undivided attention when we talked which made me feel somewhat better.
After reading your reply to my post, as well as other articles in your site, I’m trying to take your advice to try turning it over to my higher self and let it go while focusing on something else because I do find myself playing the distance and pursue game. However, when I try getting out of my head and into my body, heart and soul to see what I feel about him and our friendship, I cannot tell if what I’m feeling is the doubt and fears of losing his friendship and not sure of my gut instincts because of these feelings of insecurity. Therefore, although there are times when my heart senses the same fear and insecurity, there are other times when it feels I’m being paranoid and have nothing to fear.
Please offer your unbiased opinion on this issue as any feed back would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks again.
“Still” Unsure What To Think
Hello Unsure,
I can understand why you are unsure, with everything you mentioned. It sounds confusing with the on-line/off-line stuff but it does appear as though he is pulling away for some reason. I know he is important to you and you are reluctant to let go in case he is gone forever. But from my experience, as we let go energetically, it creates space for the other person to come back in.
I often energetically make healthy seperations from my loved ones (especially my family and husband) as it creates a clear space for us to see each other and communicate better. If we get in each other’s space, one person will likely retreat as a way to create space. But if you energetically pull your energy out (not from the relationship, just his personal space) he will feel more comfortable and be able to move in closer again.
If he is distancing from you, there isn’t much you can do, but accept this. So my suggestion is to not focus on whether he is on or off-line on MSN or whether he is contacting other friends or not (as this will hook you in and create confusion), but just go about enjoying your life. If he misses you, he will contact you. But if he doesn’t, he won’t and all you can do is accept it, grieve the loss and move on. I know it sounds harsh, but it’s better to accept reality than to try and change what we can’t – think of the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Once you have given yourself some space from him (give yourself a week or so), you will be able to find more clarity about what you are feeling. Meditation is a great way to calm the mind and access inner truth, so try it if it interests you. Remember that on a soul level, you will attract friends that are a good match for you, so if he is a good match, you two will stay friends. If not, once you let go, the door will be opened to new people.
Take care,
Gini
Hi Gini…
Thanx again for your realistic advice, advice, support and understanding. I agree with everything you’ve mentioned…and again, when he saw me online, not long ago, he came right to my window with a friendly greeting…I guess it’s why he’s disappeared in the day is what puzzles me because I’ve told him that if he was interested in someone else that I still wanted to be friends and he still insists there isn’t. But, like i said earlier, where my head, heart and soul is struggling for an answer, It’s hard to tell what each, and my gut instinct, is telling me where he is no longer the communicator he was in the beginning. He’s always been more private to a certain degree and not a typical “player”. That is why a big part of me still wants to believe him. However, do you feel I am being played or used as a door mat with the possiblitity he is interested in someone else? Between astrological readings and reports, I always felt we were connected on a soul level, which is what attracted us together as friends to begin with. However, I feel there is some force blocking our souls from reconnecting on an emotional/spiritual level at this time and don’t know why.
Also, what is the process to get out of someone’s energetic space when it’s hard to focus elsewhere?
Thanx again for all your efforts in assisting my puzzling issue.
Hello Unsure,
It’s hard for me to know if he is playing you. If you are just friends, then it makes sense he would have other friends (and perhaps even be interested in someone else romantically, but perhaps not ready to share the information yet), but that shouldn’t interfere with your friendship.
It makes sense that you would feel a strong connection to him if you are connected on a soul level from past-life relationships. I believe we re-connect as a way to honor soul agreements or break contracts if they no longer fit, or to work out issues, or find closure, or just have some fun and support each other. I’ve written a couple of articles on this topic on another site:
~ Soul Agreements and the Spiritual Purpose of Relationships
~ Discover Your Soul Contracts and Spiritual Agreements in Close Relationships
I think I’ll write an article on this site about creating healthy boundaries and getting out of other people’s energetic space, but in the meantime, here is an article that can help from my other site (the last tip offers a visual exercise which you can apply).
~Release People’s Energy From Your Personal Space.
I hope this helps.
I wish you all the best with it,
Gini
Hi Gini,
Thank you for the useful tips and techniques on how to do those exercises. Actually, I had read them at your other site after I left my last post. Where my mind is the type that is constantly racing and analyzing everything, it will be a challenge. However, with a little practice I am determined to make them work.
Also, I suppose I worry about him being a “player” because our friendship is complicated. It was never as though we were in an established relationship. However, the way we acted and use to be with eachother until recently, made me feel there was a mutual feeling of something more than friendship, excluding physical contact. Therefore, he has no reason to lie when asked about a romantic interest in someone else. Yet, insists that there isn’t. And altho he has not contacted me during the day recently, he continues to contact me in the evening, earlier than before. However, at that time he is tired from a busy day at work and not very talkative. He has always been honest with me in the past. So, I don’t want to start doubting my trust in him now. However, that is the reason why I question his actions.
Also, I would like your perspective on something relating to men becoming distant. Recently, I read that it is common for men of certain atrological signs to withdraw from time to time. However, I’ve also read that this can happen with any man at any time depending on the reasons leading to this, in any relationship. Do you believe this is true more so for the type of astrological sign the man is? Or, do you think that is coincidence and it applies to all men, regardless of their sign?
Your input on this matter continues to be greatly appreciated. As always…
Thank you
Hello Unsure,
I know what you mean when you say, “Where my mind is the type that is constantly racing and analyzing everything, it will be a challenge.” I have a strong analyzer too, so I find it soooo helpful to meditate as well as get more into my body (through yoga etc or just feeling my emotions instead of thinking about the story that goes with them) as a way to stop overanalyzing situations (which only leads to doubt and fear).
Re the men withdrawing question. I do believe astrological signs do play a role, but overall, men communicate differently than women. Their brains are wired differently (think back to neanderthal days where men did the hunting so had to focus on one thing at a time, whereas women were childrearing so had to be aware of everything around them – hence women are better at multitasking).
Also, most men aren’t raised to be in touch with their emotions or to spend time communicating about their life issues. Women are the nurturing ones who are raised to express feelings and share them with others. Men solve problems through action (masculine energy is about action and doing). Women solve problems by talking about them (female energy is nurturing and more about being than doing).
As we evolve in consiousness, both men and women will have a better balance of masculine and feminine energies (as we have both within us). I think then we will be able to communicate much easier with each other. Men will feel less overwhelmed by a woman’s need to share, ask questions and connect deeply. But in the meantime, I do think (generally speaking) that men need more alone time to process and aren’t as interested in sharing emotions and details of stories.
And for men who are more introverted than extraverted, they particularly need more time on their own so will withdraw or become distant if they feel overwhelmed by someone else.
Take care,
Gini
Hello Gini!
Your article has been of great help to me. But i really need some advice as to what I should do with this messed up friendship of mine. I’m a 18 year old girl. Have a friend since childhood (12 years) and she moved to some other city like 120 miles away. At first, we’d been really close…inseparable. We talked, called, texted chatted with each other every other day. She’d been there for me and I for her. We shared alot, laughed alot. So I’d definitely call her a best friend. Until…
I went on vacation for 2 months abroad and when I came back, she’d been a whole another person. I’d call and text her but she would just stop replying. I tried to talk it out, but it never seemed to click. I invited her to a family marriage via text first but she didn’t reply. She says she’s eager to see the pix and all but not very much from the heart. So after a month of not talking and being busy in our lives, I contacted her and we texted for an hour but she stopped replying again. Then after another month I contact and no reply and she said her cell didn’t work on myspace. But the night she wrote that, I logged onto MSN and she’d written something like ‘reply to me b****’ and it bit me. I wrote another update and she deleted hers 5 secs right after. This is something I’m NOT over reacting about.
So, then she logged onto myspace and in a long time she initiated a convo and I replied pretending I was okay and she pretended nothing happened either. No apology. I didn’t want to make a big deal outta it. I did a crazy thing outta Hirt that I wrote the same update on msn after a few days and she saw it and got pissed off. But what about me?! But this continued right after. I’d tell her I miss her and she’d either not reply or reply late. Then she told me she missed me and wanted to talk but she stopped the convo abruptly. It pissed me off and now I just don’t want to play like this anymore. I told her I wanted to talk it out but she said there is nothing to talk about and everything was cool.
Now I’m not replying to her. I just think we need to take a break for a few months. It’s like we’re playing with each other without any idea of what is going on on either side. I miss her like anything. Now every update I put on msn, she seems to think it’s about her and tries to get back at me by writing indirect updates on myspace.
Here’s also a problem. I’m a bisexual & I do have a thing going on for her AT TIMES but I’m trying to suppress it and save our
friendship. I’m happy for her and I accept her choices but is she really throwing it away like snap. It’s getting harder for me to be with her and also without her. You have no idea how tight I’m bound. I want to move on and let this go. But what I do want to know is that….will our friendship survive this and rekindle in a few years time if we distance ourselves from each other?? It’s best for both of us, no?
Hello paranoid or not,
I don’t think you’re being paranoid – it definitely sounds like a game is being played, and having some separation sounds healthy. Whether the friendship will rekindle down the road is hard to know.
It’s unfortunate that your friend doesn’t want to explore what’s really going on between the two of you. Perhaps you or she has changed and you don’t relate in the same way, or maybe because you don’t live close to each other it creates a distance/pursue type of relationship, or perhaps because you have at times had a sexual thing going on it has created blurred boundaries – but these are all speculation without your friend’s honest input.
One thing I would try is to quiet the mind (which gets lost in speculation, judgment, analyzing etc.) and settle into the body. Put your hand over your heart and ask what it wants. Then touch into your higher intuition to see what you sense (not think) about your next best step.
That ‘”hard to be with and hard to be without” sounds a bit like codependence or enmeshment. It probably would be good to have time apart and move on and let it go as you suggested. This would mean ignoring anything on msn related to her as well. In one of my reply’s to a comment above I suggested an article on how to release people’s energy – this might be helpful for you to make a healthy separation from your friend’s energy.
With a healthy seperation, you will both feel clearer and see each other clearer, and will know in your heart and soul if you want to resume the friendship down the road.
Because you are young and most likely changing quickly as you move into adulthood, you and your friend may not click the same way. Your friendship may have served a wonderful purpose for the past 12 years but that purpose may be over now. It’s important to trust your heart and higher self (and not let your mind or reactive emotions lead you astray). You have lots of time to make new wonderful friendships.
Take care,
Gini
Hi Gini
First of all, thank you for all the great feed back you provided earlier last month. It has been a month since my “friend” went mia during the day, yet we continue to speak most nights. However, altho he starts off eager to speak and asks how I am doing/feeling, he doesn’t initiate other questions and replies are shorter and time delayed. Last month he said he was bored..with his life in general, and for me not to take it personally. I’m not sure which is worse, speaking to him like “aquaintances” after we were so close not long ago, or not speaking to him at all. I hoped his distance would have ended by now as I have not been crowding, pressuring or smothering him with attention or drama since my last post. However, he seems more “aloof” as many introverts do. I am afraid my past actions of personal emotional drama drained him and he is shutting me out. Should I say anything or keep things the way they are. Any advice would be appreciated, once again.
Thank you for your time!
Unsure
Hello Unsure,
That’s great you haven’t been crowding, pressuring or smothering him with attention or drama since your last post. This will help you to create a deeper connection over time (if that’s what you both want).
I can understand how it would be hard to go from a deeper connection to feeling like acquantances now. My sense is that if he is still shutting you out because of past-time interactions, this will change over time. Speaking to him about it may not make any difference (and might make him feel pressured), but as you relate in a healthy way with him, over time he will come around.
If he is bored with his life right now, this will affect everything around him (it’s kinda like wearing glasses that make everything look boring – so don’t take it personally). He may be going through an inner shift, but not know how to communicate it. Remember that introverted people tend to be inner processors (needing time alone to sort things out) whereas extraverted people tend to be external processers (find it helpful to talk to others about their stuff).
The other thing to consider is that this way of relating may be his ‘normal’ way. Initially he may have come out of his shell a bit more, but then as time moved on, he may have retreated to his more comfortable way. So what this means is that you need to decide if this is the type of friendship you want.
My suggestion is to be in the present moment with the relationship as it is – accepting him and the way the two of you relate. As you let go of the past, he may too. You can’t change how he interacts with you – all you can do is enjoy what’s there or move on.
It may be that the two of you aren’t a good match for the long run and by spending energy hoping things will change, you miss out on meeting someone who is a better match for you.
I wish you all the best with it,
Gini
Hello Readers – I’ve just added a new article based on the comments and questions from the article on why friends drift apart.
I hope it helps: When a Friend is Distant – How to Rekindle the Friendship
Take care,
Gini
I had a wonderful friend for seven years. We had both left abusive relationships and were on a personal journey towards a better life of love and joy. We had great fun together and were really relaxed in each other’s company. We shared up and downs and were there for each other. We believed in each other and wanted the best for each other. She had been going through a bad patch and would call for support and I was always there for her her then suddenly she cut off contact. When i eventually got through to her on the phone she was cold and rude. She would then send the occasional email which was so bland and general it could have been sent to any casual aquaintance. None of her emails responded to those I’d sent. I didnt know if i was a good friend waiting for her to be ready to resume a great friendship or a stalker. The change was so abrupt and I asked my self if I hurt her in an way but cant think of anything. I tried to be a good friend and found her to be the same. When i asked on the phone she said she was in a lot of pain and could nt be with anyone and didnt want to talk to me. She said I hadnt done anything wrong but she couldnt say if she liked hearing from me or not – in fact she cut the conversation very short and was extremely clipped and abrupt with me.
My life had changed in that I’d been in a relationship for a few years but she got on very well with my partner and he liked her a lot. We three had a lot of good times togehter and I made sure i had time for my friend too.
I eventually decided to text and say I needed friendship and support not occasional emails which could be sent to anyone. I said if she was interested in friendship to call or text back and she never did.
I miss her so much and I keep asking myself why she felt it neccessary to cut me off with no explanation. My mother died a year ago and my sister had a breakdown the year before and cut off contact with many people including me.
I have great kids and a wonderful partner but I miss having a female friend to chat to and laugh with and share lifes ups and downs with. I keep asking why, what did i do wrong, what could have happened that she has no space for me in her life now and so suddenly. I just cant understand it- we could talk about anything. She became a stranger over night. We were kind and honest and direct with each other and didnt argue or fall out in seven years.
I guess I ll never know and I have to learn to accept the mystery but it hurts so much and most days when ever I am alone I just cry. i know in time I ll feel happy again and will learn from it – but the last person I thought would hurt me has done so and that is hard to recover from. It was atotal shock to me when she went from an amazing friend to a cold and distant stranger for no reason.
Hello Siobhan,
I can imagine how sad that would be for you to lose such a good friend abruptly and without any real explanation. It makes it harder to let go of a friendship when there isn’t closure.
It’s unfortunate that whatever happened to her, she can’t explain it to you. It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong, and she admitted that as well.
It must be particularly difficult with the other losses in your life as well. It sounds like you have a lot of grieving taking place. It’s important to feel and express the sadness, but I also believe it’s helpful to focus on loving yourself as you do this so you don’t feel so alone.
When I grieve a loss, I let myself cry and express the sadness, but I also imagine that I’m holding and loving myself. It’s like parenting my inner child. It’s soothing.
Another thing I do around loss, is I touch into what it is I miss about the person. It might be their joy, amusement or tenderness. And then I feel this within myself. I’ve discovered that everything has an energy vibration to it and we can access it whenever we want. As I fill with the joy, or love, or amusement, I feel better and miss the other person less.
Connecting with other female friends is important. You can set your intention to meet new friends – one’s who will communicate clearly if a problem arises – and the universe will help bring them to you. I’m amazed at how quickly things show up in my life when I set my intention to have something and trust that it will show up.
Take care,
Gini
Hi Siobhan,
I, too, am sorry for what you are going thru, as well. Altho our situations are different, I can relate and sympathize with how you are feeling. At the moment, I am suffering the same type of loss of a friend who was once always there for me. Yet, now is cold and distant, similar to that of a “stranger” or “aquaintance”.
It is hard for me to sometimes follow the advice of others because many people don’t understand the need to grieve over losing a friend is just as emotional as the loss of any relationship. Because of my current emotions, at the moment, it seems to be easier said than done. However, I do agree with the advice and support Gini has given us. Hopefully, in time, we will be able to remember the good times we shared with our friends without feeling the hurt and pain of the loss. No matter how many times we suffer the loss of another, it still hurts the same. However, we manage and eventually move on. Just keep remembering, you WILL be happy again one day!
Best wishes
Unsure
Hi Gini,
I came to this article via Google, looking up Best friends drifting apart…
I’m 15, and me and one of my best friends (a boy) have known each other since the 4th grade. We were always good friends, but it was only in the 7th grade that we and two other people (we were all in the same class) became really close, we were this little group of best friend who talked about everything and did everything together. It just felt so great to me, that I belong in a group of great people who really are my best friends.
And then this year we all moved to high school. We are in the same school, but we split up: both boys are in 2 different classes and us girls stayed together. And now we’re already 6 month into the school year and it feels, just like you said, as if we are all drifting apart. We used to meet up ALL the time, really, and now I don’t think we have actually done anything together, just the four of us, for at least 2 month. I know it’s good for us to move on with life and meet new friends and that that’s the whole point of moving to a new school, but still, I thought that we would stick together as a group and keep this circle of friends going.
I tried to tell myself after feeling this drifting in the past few month that nothing is wrong, that it’s still the same and that we are still the same quartet that we were, but recently I realised that I just can’t keep kidding myslef. This particular boy I mentioned earlier is very dear to me and I’m terrified of losing his friendship, but it’s like it’s out of my hands now. It hurt me to see, for example, when he recently met his new girlfriend, that he called the two others from our group the same day, and I had to hear about it from them, as a secret that I shouldn’t know about. I even saw it on facebook! before he told me a few days later, as a by-the-way note, only after it was mentioned by somebody else. I don’t know, we barely get to talk, while we used to hang around his house after school almost every week talking for hours. He used to come to me with his problems, and now I feel as if I’m not even considered to him someone he can talk to about those kind of things.
I don’t like changes, and I’m aware of that. But I did realise when coming to a new school in separate classes that things are going to change, but I honestly thought that us four are going to stick together, and it’s very hard for me to really realise that I have to accept this drifting apart, and I don’t want to have to accept it, I want something to happen that would change that.
I know you probably think that I’m in highschool and that this friendship will pass like any other school friendship, but this is really important to me and I’m having a really hard time with all these emotions lately. I don’t really have anyone to turn to about this since my 3 best friends whom I talked about all seem rather content with all those changes, so I hardly feel comfortable bringing up my clinginess to the past infront of them. So that’s basically why I’m writing all this to you, and I hope you haven’t drowned in the mess that I wrote.
Thanks for writing this article, it’s good to know I’m not the only one…
Inbal
Hi Inbal,
Thanks for sharing your experience – it’s helpful for others in similar situations to read.
Friends naturally drifting apart is one thing, but I can understand you would be hurt by not being included in an important update by your friend, even though he shared with the others from your recent group of friends.
That is hard losing all your best friends at once. I can see how that happens when you move on to a new level of school. I remember going to highschool and letting go of my best friend. She was a wonderful person but I became interested in different things and new people. I didn’t really consider at the time how it affected her (maybe I should call her now to aplogize:)
I know when you’re in the middle of it, it’s hard to trust that you will find new friends, just as great or greater than your previous friends – but you will.
One thing that might help you to find acceptance is to first process your feelings. Your sadness, anger, confusion etc needs to be expressed, and if you don’t have friends right now to share with, writing/journaling about it or trying other forms of expression can help. Here’s an article I wrote recently that might help (exercises in the second half of the article):
~ How to Process Emotions and Release Charged Emotions
Also, if you love and nurture yourself and take part in activities you enjoy, this will ease the loss and attract new friends to you.
Take care,
Gini
hi gini,
thank you very much for this post, i have been friends with someone for 13 years and i am currently 18, i am in my freshman year in college, have a part time job, and i am maturing. i feel as though for those 13 years i have been extremely loyal, and so quick to satisfy her every need, that i have almost forgot about myself. we have been inseparable for as long as we have been friends i mean in the morning before class in high school middle school etc we would be together after class we would be together, on the weekends, every waking moment and it has been like that for a while.
i would risk so much to prove i was this “best friend” to her, i mean if it was raining and she said “im bored” i would come over in the rain on the bus alone so she would think i am i good friend, for years my mom has seen our attachment become so strong she would force me to stay home sometimes she wanted to to be independent get a job etc, and over the past year i got a job started school, and i have become very busy, and when i do have free time i sleep, study, or help my mother around the house. but my bestfriend has never understood that, she thinks i have “changed”, i think she has major issues because on time she txt’d me to see if i wanted to hang out and i was at work and didnt get her txt but i did not want to reply back because i felt as if she would think i never like to hang out, and the next day i happend to run into her on the bus and she pretended as if she did not know me and it hurt because i know i am this loyal friend, but i feel as if she is basing our decade of friendship off of how much we hang out now? and i feel as if it is not fair, she has done this several times and it really stresses me out i would cry sometime because i dont want to lose a close friend, but i feel as though why have a friend if the friend stresses your out all the time?, please help me should i txt my friend and tell her how i feel for the last time, or just never call or txt and let this friendship go and let her have time to think of how she is unfair and punishes me because i am busy?
Hello Kory,
It sounds like you really have been there for your friend over all these years, and as you mentioned to the point of almost forgetting about yourself. As you know, this is lopsided, and now that you are trying to balance it out in a healthy way, it sounds like your friend is having a hard time adjusting to it.
I’m a big believer in clear communication and sorting things out with friends, so from that perspective I would recommend contacting her and sharing your true feelings, from a non-blaming perspective. But, I also think you need to be in a clear place to do that so that your friend doesn’t pick up on any charged emotions and take it personally. Process any strong emotions of anger and sadness until you feel better.
Then, take some time to imagine what it is like from her perspective. She’s had this friend (you) whose put her first for a major part of her life so that seems normal to her (she might not see it being lopsided, even though it is). Now her best friend is busy with other things (so she might take this peronally and think you are rejecting her, even though you’re not). If she doesn’t have good coping skills she will resort to whatever she does have (such as ignoring you on the bus etc.). Her reactions are coming from her own hurt place so she can’t see how she is hurting you. From this perspective it will help you to take her behavior less personally.
It might also be helpful to ask yourself an important question before contacting her. In your heart of hearts, do you want to continue with the friendship, or do you feel it has changed to the point of not being a fit for you any more? As you said, the stress may not be worth it. You may miss parts of her, but you will meet new people to connect with.
Once you are clear and have a broader perspective, if it feels appropriate to explain to her what’s going on for you, then go for it. But let go of any expectations as you can’t control how she reacts. The important thing is to set your intention for how you’d like the interaction to go (ie. a peaceful communication, clear, loving etc.) and communicate from that place.
I hope it all goes well for you,
Gini
When I started a new job it changed and later ended a close friendship. It started when my friend thought I wasn’t spending enough time with her and made some hurtful comments. Once we had talked about the problem, I was then upset to be told a few months later that I was not the same person and had changed. After leaving the friendship a few months we decided to start afresh and things were ok for awhile. Until one day we went out to a restaurant and my friend was incredibly rude about the staff working there to the point where I wanted to leave the table! I debated whether or not to say anything and for awhile I prentended everything was ok but I felt like a complete fake, so in the end I decided to confront her and explained her behaviour made me feel uncomfortable. I havent heard from her since.
Part of me is upset that I have been ignored after all the effort I went to to forgive her and start again. But this feels like one argument too many and I’m not sure I’m prepared to do anything else to resolve the matter.
Hello Lucy,
I totally understand how you would feel upset at being ignored by your friend, especially after the effort you put in to the friendship.
I don’t know what your conversation went like when you confronted your friend (if you were able to do it in a non-judgmental way or if you’re tone was attacking etc.) or how she responed at the time. She may have felt hurt and attacked and has ended the friendship without telling you. Or perhaps on some level, she wanted to end the friendship but wasn’t conscious of it so her behavior took care of it (I’ve found that on a soul level – if two people are meant to go their own way, but don’t realize it, a confrontation will occur to seperate them).
I personally prefer to have friendships where we both can share what’s on our mind and be honest when we’ve been triggered. It doesn’t sound like your friend is willing to go to that level in the friendship. It also sounds like things have changed between you and the friendship isn’t very enjoyable.
It’s wonderful to be able to have friends for long periods of time, but when two people see life so differently that it interferes with how they communicate and resolve issues it may not be worth the effort.
My friendships have changed a lot over the past couple of years, due to my personal/spiritual growth and the shifts on the planet (we’re evolving so rapidly in consciousness that people keep growing apart). I think it’s helpful if we can trust that some friendships are meant to end after they’ve served a purpose, and we will meet new people who are a better match for where we are at in our life journey.
Take care,
Gini
Hi Gini,
Thank you for your response. Yes, it was very upsetting to be ignored. I had wanted to confront my friend face to face, but being ill I left her a voice mail instead explaining that I did not want this to be a big issue as we were trying to be friends again but I had felt like I had to be honest. I said I had not mentioned it before as I was worried we would argue again. I explained I had felt ‘uncomfortable’ why the way she had behaviour and that I hope she understood why I said something. This was a very mild version of the truth, as I felt she had been very rude and was quite shocked at what she had said.
Since then I have heard nothing. Mutal friends have suggested as I ask her to meet and talk about this, but I feel it has to be a two way friendship and I am not prepared to fight this battle alone. If she had wanted to meet, I would have gladly gone and put this behind us. But by her ignoring me, I feel like she has made this into a big issue, when I clearly explained it didn’t need to be.
I am very upset, and like you said feel that she has ended the friendship without telling me. I put a time scale on things, and said to myself if I don’t hear from her within a week I would move on and stop contacting her. This has been very hard and I often go over things in my head and wonder if I am to blame and whether or not I did the right thing in bringing up the ‘problem’. But the only alternative would have been to pretend everything was fine when I felt upset – and I have never been a fake person and this is just not me.
Am I to blame?
Hello Lucy,
I don’t think you’re to blame at all. A relationship is a dance between two people. You expressed your discomfort at her behavior, and she has a choice to respond. One thing that comes to mind, is that she may not want to face her own rude behavior so instead has to judge you and cut you out of her life so she doesn’t have to look at herself.
Every relationship also has agreements. Some relationships might have the hidden agreement: “We can be friends as long as you play ‘nice’ and don’t call me on my behaviors” – in otherwords – “don’t be real and honest”. Perhaps this is how your friend wants her relationships to be. But it sounds like being authentic and real is important to you, and it’s important that we honor our values. If you compromise that for a friend, you are creating an imbalanced relationship. But on the other hand, it’s also helpful in all relationships to accept each other as we are – flaws and all (unless of course the flaws outweigh the strengths and it’s time to end the relationship).
If you and your friend do talk in person, it might be helpful to talk about these bigger issues to see if you are in agreement (i.e. if one of you is uncomfortable with the other person’s behavior, how can you best handle this together). But I don’t get the sense that your friend is up for this kind of honesty or intimacy in a friendship. Perhaps the relationship ending is best for you both as she can find friends who are similar to her in how she communicates and relates to others, and you are free to to find friends who value authenticity and are willing to work through bumps along the road to deeper friendship.
So instead of blaming yourself or wondering if you did something wrong (which is important to be honest about if you did behave in a way that is out of integrity for you, but it doesn’t sound like you did), you can focus on your strengths such as your boundaries, how you like to treat people, the level of honesty and authenticity you have and so on.
View this experience from the perspective that it happened to help empower you. Another way to find comfort around this, is to imagine this experience that happened to you, happened to an adult child of yours (don’t worry about your age, just imagine) – what would you say to her to help her see the bigger picture and feel better?
Hope this helps,
Gini
Hi Gini,
I am wondering if you can help. I am a forty year old working mom. I have been friends with a colleague for about six years now. We have kids the same age (6 and 3). We eat lunch together a couple times a week and get together with the kids once a month or so. We always have a good time when together and share personal stories.
Recently, she befriended an old friend of mine, also a colleague. She knows this friendship end very badly because she was there during the whole awful experience. Now, she can’t understand why I am so hurt. I feel betrayed. She claims she still wants to be friends, but I am so hurt every time I see them together. I believe they talk on the phone and see each other outside of work (without kids), but I am not certain.
Almost a year has passed. We are civil to each other, but it is getting more and more uncomfortable. Like we have nothing to say anymore. I don’t want to be childish, but I really don’t think I can stand by and watch this.
Any thoughts.
Forty and very lonely
Hello Forty and Lonely,
I can understand your pain. It makes sense you would feel betrayed and hurt when you see your friend with your past friend, because you are still carrying the hurt within you (and it gets triggered each time you see your past friend, particularly with your other friend). Your friend may lack compassion, or she might have a different perspective (that you can’t see as you are looking through your wounds).
The best way I know to heal this, is to release the pain from the past friendship. I had a similar experience in the small community I live in – a very uncomfortable ending to a friendship. It wouldn’t go away though – life kept bringing her into my consciousness (through other people, at events, and even in my dreams).
When I took the time to feel into the pain (and past wounds it triggered), own my part in the relationship breakdown (which was difficult as she behaved so rudely and badly it was easy to blame her), understand her woundedness and life perspective which was what triggered her behavior, and finally forgave her (not in person – just within myself as a way to release the toxic pain and judgment I was carrying), I suddenly saw things differently. I felt an odd sense of love for her, even though I didn’t want to resume a friendship with her – and I didn’t mind other people in my life being connected with her – I was finally at peace.
Perhaps the Universe, Life or your Higher Self is bringing your attention to this situation so you can heal it and move on to finding new friends who are a present time fit for you (it may be that you have grown and shifted in a way that you are not a match for either of these friends anymore).
Letting go (of pain, old wounds, friendships that don’t support us) is so very freeing. I have an article on this topic on my Insights & Inspiration site that may be supportive to you ~ Letting Go.
May your heart mend and fill with love so you never feel lonely again.
Gini
Thank you, Gini.
I thought I had come to terms with the first situation, but apparently not. Your comments really speak to me in a new way. I am starting to realize that the current friendship had its limits. We each wanted something different. I need a deeper connection with someone than I think she is able to give me. I guess I am mourning what I truly crave. A platonic friendship that goes deep. “Letting Go” will help me discover who I am under my loneliness.
Thank you for you kind and beautiful words.
Wow, that is such a wonderful insight – that you are mourning what you truly crave. Now that you see that you will be able to let go of the past and create deeper more meaningful connections with new people in your life.
Thanks for sharing,
Gini
Hi Gini,
I am looking for a little guidance in moving on from a friendship that has clearly gone through a shift, for a lack of a better word.
I befriended a woman 4 yrs ago after taking an aerobics class she was teaching at our local gym. After taking her class for several months we discovered that we had a lot in common outside of our mutual love of exercise and began seeing each other outside of the gym every now and then. About 8-9 months after striking up this friendship we decided to team together to help with a local fundraiser. Everything went wonderfully and we had a great time with it. We both had our families involved and there were friendships made within our families which was very nice. The following year we teamed up again, but she was less enthusiastic about it and I ended up picking up the slack. I knew I did not want to be stuck “running the show” again next time so I (I think) graciously suggested that I wasn’t up for it again next year and she seemed fine, even relieved about it. I mention this only because it is the only thing I can think of that I might have done to upset her. Also around this same time I moved to another town(only 20 min away) and I left the gym. It seemed after that time it became difficult to make plans with her. It also seemed that I was always the one initiating plans. I decided to step back and give the friendship some space, but I did email her every now and then to say hi and to catch up.
Several months after my move she let me know via email that she was opening her own gym and she invited to come by. I was shocked and felt a bit left out that this gym was opening in less than a week and this was the very first I had heard about it! I did visit her gym though and ended up signing up for a weekly class. It was a little out of my way, but I’ve always enjoyed her classes and I wanted to support my friend. We seemed to pick right up where we left off and I decided that she had just been busy with all that goes with opening your own business and I was being too sensitive.
This past winter, several months after her gym opened, I faced a cancer diagnosis. I had just assumed my friend would want to support me, but after telling her my news she became standoffish and distant. I wanted to keep taking her class because I knew it was important to stay fit, but I started feeling unwelcome. She would not engage me in conversation before class like she normally would though she was never rude, just a bit distant. I realized that she probably didn’t know how to cope so I didn’t worry too much at first. I was also preoccupied with my own issues so I didn’t have the time to give it much thought. Early spring It got to a point where I physically and financially wasn’t up to taking her class anymore. My hospital and doctor bills were out of control so I explained via email I needed to take a break.
After that, she seemed to disappear. I sent emails asking if she’d like to meet for coffee, but she was either too busy or didn’t even reply. She also never bothered to ask me how I was doing which hurt my feelings. There were family functions that my family and I had been invited to the last two years, but this year, no invite. It wouldn’t have stung so much if I didn’t have to see the pictures of these functions plastered all over my facebook feed. I was hurt and angry for a while, especially when the kids started asking why we never see her and her kids anymore
A couple weeks ago I got an email from her business with the new summer schedule. She’s a one woman operation so the email was generated by her. I figured she was extending an olive branch. I’m feeling great now so I bit and signed up for a class.
Well, I went to the class and when I entered she was talking to a client about her annual trip to the local amusement park. Every year she organizes a group rate and about 50 of us go. This is a trip that my family and I had attended the last two years, but were not invited to this year. I was shocked and caught off guard because I had forgotten all about it until that point. I chimed in and said “You’re doing that this year? The kids are going to be devastated when they hear we were not invited.” It came out of my mouth before I thought about what I was saying, but it was the truth. How was I supposed to tell these kids that we didn’t get invited because I got cancer?!?! She said that she thought she included me on the email which only angered me more that she couldn’t be honest.
At this point do I just drop this relationship? I realize now that she emailed me about the class because business is slow in the summertime and she needs the business. It clearly had nothing to do with wanting to re-kindle our friendship. I can get free classes at my gym, minus the hurt feelings!
I’m certain that I will not hear from her again if I were to stop initiating communication. Part of me still wants to be friends with her, but I think what I really want is to go back to how things were. I just hate having unresolved issues and I wish she would tell me, for my own sanity why she had to shut me out. I guess I know the answer, but I want to hear her say it. I guess maybe a part of me fears that I’m just not all that likeable. I’ve never had a relationship end like this before so I think I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with my personality, but I again, I just want to hear it from her.
Sorry this has turned into such a book. I think it was more of a purging of all my feelings that I’ve keeps bottled up for so long!
Hello Anne,
So glad you were able to express your experience and feelings here – that’s an important part of this site I like to offer people.
I can understand your desire to want to hear from your friend about what happened for her – it helps to put the mind at ease (the mind likes to have puzzles solved), and it would create a resolved ending, but I think you can do that for yourself if you look at it from the broader perspective.
From what I am hearing and sensing, it sounds like you are a kind and caring person who considers other’s feelings (and perhaps even puts them before your own, sometimes to your own detriment) whereas I don’t get the sense that your friend is like this – she sounds a bit more self-centered and perhaps not aware of how she has affected you.
Although you’d like to have it go back to the way it was in the past, you have changed (when people go through a serious or life threatening illness, they grow on a heart and soul level faster than normal) so I’m guessing that you and she are not on the same level anymore. If she were to resume a friendship with you, I bet it wouldn’t be as deep or satisfying for you. She may sense this on some level and perhaps that’s why she has backed off.
If you can find a way to communicate with her through your imagination or through a letter you don’t send, you can express your thoughts and feelings (and even imagine what she might say back to you) and bring closure to the relationship. Then imagine letting it go out to the Universe – to be further resolved, healed or closed. Then if you miss her at times, reflect on the qualities you miss (humor, love, attention, play etc.) and give these to yourself by feeling them within (often what we want from someone else is a sign of something we need to give ourselves).
I hope this helps,
Gini
Thank you Gini for your thoughtful comments.
You are correct that I do always consider the feelings of others. I’m always aware that we all can have a profound effect on others and we have a responsibility to be kind. So many people don’t get that.
I sense too that her behavior comes from being selfish. I’ve observed her interactions with family members and other friends and there is fair amount of selfishness there. I have a hard time understanding how someone can be so aware of their own needs but fails to recognize that others around them have needs as well. That part of it is baffling to me, but it does make me feel better about the situation. It means she’s not being mean or cruel intentionally, she’s simply too busy focusing on herself.
I like your idea of communicating to her through imagination. I’ve done this a bit while I was getting in a run and it did seem to bring me a sense of peace. It also helped keep me from getting bored during my run!
Thanks again for your thoughts. I do feel like I am “rounding the corner” of grieving for my friend and am heading into the “moving on” phase. Things are certainly looking up!
Hi Gini! This is Adina here.
I have this friend, i knew her on the first day of secondary school, and i was the one to open her up, because she used to be very quiet and does not show much emotions. However, after she got to know me, she got much happier and she started talking more. We became the best of friends and we used to talk about anything, anything at all. We were very close for 2 years, until this year, when we just suddenly drifted apart and became very distant. with each other. When i am with her, it became very awkward to talk to her. I was very sad and alarmed at this fact but did not give much notice to it, because we were in a different class and i have friends from my class too. Until recently, we just stopped talking altogether and i am always trying to avoid her, because im scared to talk to her, for fear that the conversation might be awkward again. I think she is avoiding me too, but thats just what i thought. Then, she found herself another 2 friends and they always stick together, making it even harder for me to approach her and ask her what went wrong. What is worse is that one of her 2 friends was once our bestfriend! I dont understand what happened?? Why did our friendship ended so abruptly? And why did that person decided to remain friends with her but not me?
I am very sad, confused and frustrated at this situation. Gini, what should i do? She was my first friend i knew in my Secondary school and she was also my first bestfriend, thus she is really, REALLY special in my heart! But why is she doing this to me? i am so upset by her actions! And i do not want to end this friendship yet, because i love her companionship a lot. i am thinking of sending her a letter, but i dont have courqage to do so…
Gini, please help me!
Hi Adina,
I know what you are going through is tough – it’s hard to lose a good friend, particularly when you don’t know why the friendship has ended.
You mentioned that you felt awkward at some point with your friend so it sounds like you both changed on some level and didn’t know quite how to relate.
I’ve had this happen many times over the years with friends. Often it’s me who has changed as I am into personal and spiritual growth which creates lots of inner change. When this happens I don’t know how to explain it because it’s a feeling that I don’t relate to the friend the same way anymore – there’s nothing wrong, just different, so perhaps this is what has happened between you and your friend.
If you really want to rekindle the friendship you could explore your fear around writing a letter (click on the category of friendships on the side of my Love Bug site and then scroll through the articles as I have some on writing letters and rekindling friendships) as a way to help you get bigger than the fear and have courage to express your feelings.
What I find helpful when I am missing a friend that has drifted away or ended, is to move into the present moment and ask myself if I really want to be friends at this time with them, or if I am missing the qualities of the friendship that perhaps I can find with another friend or give to myself. For example I was missing a friend who was very supportive and nurturing to me, yet I realize this isn’t appropriate now (was becoming codependant) so I tune into the feelings of self-love and find ways to nurture myself and then I don’t miss her as much. See if this can work for you.
Once we let go of the past we open up to wonderful new possibilities in the present (that we can’t see if we’re longing for the past).
Take care,
Gini
Hi gini my friend and i are starting to drift apart i wanna be her best friend again but she is making it difficult with her attitude even if i do nothing wrong she plays the sympathy card and gets me too say sorry first for doing nothing so i need some advice on what to do
Hello Brenden,
It sounds like your friend is playing a bit of game with the sympathy card (perhaps she is caught in a victim role, or feels empowered when you apologize etc.). As I see it, you have a few choices:
~ You can talk to her about wanting to be best friends again and explain what happens for you when you do this (without blaming or judging, just explaining your perspective and how it affects you) and see if she sees this and is willing to interact differently.
~ You can set your own intentions and boundaries around the type of friendship you want without even saying anything. When we get clear within ourselves about what we want and what our boundaries are, relationships shift. So for example, lets say you decide you want a friendship with her that is uplifting, self-responsible (i.e. no victim sympathy games), honest and so on. You make this clear intention within yourself and then as you interact with her, if she plays games, you don’t play them. She will either shift to match this new level of friendship, or she might up the ante and make things more difficult, or your friendship may end completely if she is not able to have this type of friendship.
~ You can carry on the way it is knowing that you are playing her game in order to have her friendship.
In the end, it’s really about what you want from the friendship and if you can have this without compromising your integrity. There are always more people out there who we can befriend that are a good match for where we are.
Take care,
Gini
I’ve been dealing with a “friend” issue now for about 6 months and I think I’m kind of coming to the conclusion that this friend is not really a true friend now. She has a boyfriend who seems to be pretty controlling, has had substance abuse issues in his past (but is now clean/sober). She has dated this guy for maybe 4-5 years. She wants marriage w/him but I don’t see that happening. She has been married 6-7 times before. I know that in itself is a red flag, but I’d never judged her on her past. I can judge her in how she’s treated me in recent months though. She and I used to talk fairly openly & freely and we used to socialize some outside of work. We both work part-time at a store in addition to our full-time jobs. I’ve been the friend she could rely on always. She had health issues a couple years ago and I was there to help her when her wayward boyfriend was too busy. We got closer after her surgery and other health problems. I felt a lot more secure in our friendship at that point for a long time. Then this past summer, she started acting moody & temperamental. She apologized to me a couple times only to repeat the same behavior patterns later. Now, it seems she can have good or bad days but depending on her mood (or if she’s argued w/the boyfriend), I can never count on her to be one way or the other. She seems resentful & bitter about life in general. This seemed to escalate when she found out that another friend of hers was getting married. Since she also wants marriage, I can understand some of the jealousies but I don’t understand her hot/cold behavior w/me. Even though I’ve listened to some of her problems w/her guy & sympathized with her (never have trashed him either), I’m starting to feel used and like a friend ONLY when she wants the friendship. If she’s in a funky mood, she will oftentimes take that attitude out on me (and oftentimes on others at the work place). I tried to talk to her a couple times earlier in the fall about what was going on because I think a lot of it has to do with her guy. She’s unwilling to go to a counselor but yet she can’t see that she’s treating other people badly because she’s so unhappy in her own life.
I’ve gone through some periods of time where I really kept my distance & let her contact me, but now I’m to the point where I don’t even really want to see her at all – not even at work.
The latest thing for her to be mad about is that I got more work hours than she did for the week following x-mas. But she was unable to work the shifts I was asked to work due to her other job. I had time off from my day job. She made a remark about me “getting all the work hours I wanted”. Her snide remarks (even if she doesn’t really mean them) are helping me to let go of this “friendship” as it’s becoming more & more toxic. I can no longer trust that she is the kind of person who enhances my life. She knows that I’ve been the best friend she could ever have but she doesn’t know that I no longer feel or care about her the same. She has ruined that with her behavior. For a long time I really did blame her guy for how she was acting but he is not responsible for all of her behavior and she has a brain to use to make either wise or unwise choices.
The fact that she has been married so many times is really a much bigger red flag to me because I don’t think it was always the guy’s fault. I think she did this hot/cold routine with them as well. I know she also had some affairs (at least on her last ex-husband). She has a lot of guilt issues to overcome but only she can help herself. So, I’m letting her go and whether she will figure that out or not remains to be seen.
I don’t plan to spend most of 2012 wondering what kind of mood she’ll be in or whether she will call me or not. Life is simply too short.
Hello Mitsy,
I’m glad to hear that you don’t plan to spend 2012 wondering what kind of mood your friend will be because that’s most likely what will happen if you stay friends. She sounds quite self-absorbed to me, and from her marriage history, a little unstable in the relationship department (which includes friends).
If she does ask you why you are ending the friendship, you may be doing her a favor if you tell her in a simple and non-judgmental way (although she may not be able to hear you). I wrote an article on Suite 101 about how self-absorbed people can be less so and I’m surprised by the number of people who’ve thanked me for that as they didn’t realize how their self-absorption was affecting others.
Take care,
Gini
Thank you for your reply! I was happy to see that someone had read my post. I will not likely ever approach this friend & tell her I’m “ending” the friendship because that’s not my style & that really only makes it more uncomfortable for both people. What I will do is simply no longer call her like I used to. I will return her call if she calls me (and believe me, she’ll be calling for a reason or for something-not just to chat).
I’ve tried to talk to her several times over the past several months. She clams up because she doesn’t want to address why she stays with a controlling man who really isn’t committed to her. She knows she could talk to me and, at times, she’s spilled info about her guy to me (which tells me that their relationship is far from stable & happy). But her bitterness and self-absorbed behavior have more to do with her own issues than even the guy she’s dating. She has a lot of self-esteem issues which come out in ways that I don’t really understand but others have said this is part of her problem. She tries to hide the fact that she’s so insecure that she has to have a man (even though she’s had many & been married to many over the years). At some point, you’d think that marriage would no longer be on her radar screen.
She had cancer a couple years ago and told me this info in person. I was one of the first to know about her health issues. I really thought I might lose her. She has remained cancer free & even through another surgery later I was there for her and really believed that our bond was more cemented by my support and her appreciation for that. I felt like we had gotten a lot closer and considered her really my closest friend. All was well until mid-July this year. That is when her moods started and when I finally realized that her controlling boyfriend might be the cause for some of her behavior. Big difference between her and I though is that I would not be taking out my frustrations about a guy (or my self-image) on people who love & care about me. She probably can’t even see how she’s acting, but SHE will have to figure this out on her own. I’ve let some friendships die over the years simply because the other person quit making any effort. In recent months, I feel like I’ve worked too hard to try to maintain this friendship. She has called me some and it isn’t like it’s all been bad the last 5-6 months, but she’s let me down too many times in those months and I feel like maybe one day she’ll wake up and realize that I’m no longer calling or trying to keep the friendship going. And she may not realize it either. In that case, I’m still choosing the right option. I have found myself more upset than happy with how she’s treated me for months now. When someone apologizes to me, I want & expect their behavior to change for the better. Only temporarily did it get better; she later went back to being moody, bitter acting and just not much fun to be around. My only issue now is having to work with her 1 or 2 nights a week at our part-time job. That will be the hardest thing for me. I guess time will tell how things will be but I’m done working at this one.
Hey there,
I just stumbled across your blog and I was wondering if you could spare some time to help me. My friend and I have been close for 2 years, which doesn’t seem like a long time but we went through tough times like her brother overdosed on drugs and such and she went through a depression and I helped her overcome it. We would laugh together text all the time and talk about everything. She was the only person I could totally trust in school and I was hers. After a while she had to move to Europe, and we threw her a going away party and such and it was amazing. We were kind of close for 3 months then nothing. I’d write these lengthy facebook messages and she wouldn’t reply. I talked to a mutual friend of ours ( who is also in Europe) and asked her whether she still keeps in touch with my friend and she said that of course she did. I was really saddened. Happy for our mutual friend obviously but sad that she was not talking to me. Then a few days later she and the mutual friend write on my wall saying “we meed to skype” and all this stuff and I replied in the same vain. The friend now has girlfriend s and such and they go to parties (which she told me she hated going to) and stuff. I really miss my friend and I feel like I’m losing her and I don’t know why. I’m not crippled by this though because I have made heaps of new friends recently. But I treasure all my relationships and I’m wondering whether or not to make an effort anymore. I’m sick of this
I don’t want to lose her but to be honest if she doesn’t care about losing me then there is no point in staying friends. Any help is appreciated.
Hello Stacey,
It sounds to me like your friend is creating a new life over in Europe so she may be losing touch with her previous life where you live and therefore not feel as connected to you.
You may need to adjust in your mind the type of friendship you have with her – what was once close is now a more distant type of relationship. If you can be okay with that and have connection less often it might not bother you. But if you expect it to be as close, it will feel hurtful and/or frustrating.
The only other thing I can suggest is to be honest with her about how you miss her and don’t want to lose her but feel she is drifting away. If she values your friendship, she will hopefully be able to be honest with you about what is going on for her and then the two of you can find a way to stay friends.
I hope this helps -take care,
Gini
An update on my former “friend” situation. I was at work last night (part-time retail job) and I shared the scheduling issue with Doris, another co-worker who is also a good friend of mine & has known my toxic friend for quite a few years. I told her the attitude she gave me and how she acted mad about me getting the work hours.
Doris then shared w/me that the week before toxic friend jumped down her throat over a work issue which was totally uncalled for. Toxic friend tried to insinuate that Doris did not want to do the job she was assigned and Doris walked off. Later, toxic friend asked if she was in a bad mood. Doris replied, yes I tend to get in a bad mood when someone jumps down my throat when I was just doing what I was told. Toxic friend apologizes to her, but in this latest story, I must admit to feeling some sense of validation in how I feel. It’s really NOT just me who has gotten her bad behavior and hateful attitude thrown at them. My toxic friend has successfully poisoned probably several relationships because she’s in a dysfunctional relationship with her guy (at least that’s my analysis of what’s going on w/her).
Odds are, toxic friend has NO idea the price she will end up paying for her behavior because I’m done with her and Doris is not going to feel the same about her either. Sometimes people do end up with their bad karrma thrown back at them. I really had to see that it wasn’t just me witnessing this in order for me to really let go and try to move on. Hopefully, I will find someone who will be a more reliable friend and won’t act hot/cold depending on what’s going on her life. Mature, centered people don’t behave that way.
Hi Gini,
First off, I just wanted to say, your article has actually somewhat helped me. But seen as though other people get good feedback from you, I wanted to ask you a question myself. So basically I used to live in California until about two years ago, I am now 18 years old and living in Oregon. When I first got to the school I went to, I of course knew no one. But there was this guy(let’s call him Joe) that was the complete opposite of who I am. He is more outgoing, says whats on his mind without worrying about the consequences, etc. So when I became friends with him, people thought it was weird cause we were so different. Anyways, we had some good times during our junior year and I actually felt that we went from just being school friends to close friends in a short amount of time. We would often times refer to each other as “bro” and such and our conversations werent superficial, like there were times where we would talk about more personal things. But now this year (which is my senior year btw), we went from sharing half our classes to only having the same lunch and English class. But he now shares all of his classes with a mutual friend of mine who we can call Brady(who neither of us was that close to last year) and oftentimes many of our mutual friends joke and say that those two have a bromance going on. I often times feel as if I am an outsider within our group and when we hang out now I feel like a third wheel cause he always invites that other friend along. It not that I dont like “Brady”, I am great friends with him actually. But part of me feels like I’ve been replaced! Not only that but I feel like my friendship with “Joe” has taken two steps back. We rarely text anymore cause he told me once that he felt weird texting his guy friends, which I admit stung and have given up on communicating through text. Furthermore, he never calls me bro anymore, which last year made feel like we were closed friends.Then there’s the fact that he has made it known that he doesnt want to talk about personal stuff anymore, even though I have never given him reason to not trust me and now he just likes to talk about superficial stuff. I see this as a major red flag in regards to my friendship with “Joe” since he didnt have a problem with it before Also, I am actually a person who can get distrustful and paranoid of my friends. I actually sat down and talked to my parents and a couple of my other friends about this issue and they all pretty much asked me the same thing: Why are you still friends with him? While its hard to answer, it kind of has to do with the fact I knew he cared last year cause he was always there when it counts. But what’s leading me to believe he may not want to be friends anymore is that a few weeks back me, “Joe” and “Brady ” had planned to all go out over winter break but I found out this past Friday from “Joe” that they had gone without me. So please if u could help me out with this? Do you think it’s just me and “Joe” drifting apart? Or could “Joe” actually have unknowingly replaced me as a close friend of his? Cause seriously, I feel like I was demoted from Best friend to a friend or aquaintence. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and for also helping me out!
Sincerely,
JAY
P.S.: It’s kind of hard telling Joe how he’s making me feel cause I think u know that us guys in general, dont like talking about our feelings. But I really want to get to the bottom of this lol